I’m An Asshole…
October 22nd, 2007 by trancejen
Yesterday our church arranged a hayride and bonfire out at a farm out in Upper Butt Crack, Indiana; so off to Upper Butt Crack, Indiana we drove with my sister and her kids following.
(I unfortunately don’t have any photos of this event because my camera battery crapped out - I thought I’d recharged it, but I hadn’t. Poop.)
We were the first ones to arrive, so after I walked the kids through a voluminous corn maze (hoping to God I didn’t run into any tow-headed children in suits), I sat down and started describing the church population to my sister, who is Catholic and unfamiliar with the J-Man’s school and our church, which we must attend in order to get the fat tuition discount to go to heaven.
I started in on how the Lutherans in our congregation are all the same: They all drive expensive beige SUVs, they all wear fairly nice designer clothes, the women all have nail tips, streaked blond hair, big rocks on their fingers, and expensive running suits; and they’re all big on talking about how their kids are on schedules, blah blah boring, blah blah my husband this, blah blah my yoga class that, blah blah Sierra has ballet and then Latin and then underwater basket weaving, narr.
Now you must understand that this comes from a place of moderate jealously, because I too would like to be banging around to yoga classes and wearing a large rock (OK, pawning a large rock) and having a big swimming pool and sending my kid to expensive lessons and feeling secure that my kid’s tuition was not going to eat up half of my monthly income. So a little jealous? Maybe. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that the Lutherans are snotty or shallow, and I was sort of tarring them with that brush.
Beacause I am a bitch. A bitch that is jealous.
And maybe also a bitch who makes fun of people who name their kids things like Sierra or Montana.
As a brief aside, someone in my mom’s office just named their kid Agent. Agent. The world is a strange and frightening place, people.
Anyway, I was sort of laying it on about the Lutherans in a not-so-nice manner, and the Lutherans began to arrive (all in beige SUVs, as predicted, much to my sister’s delight). Since I have been a bad Lutheran and have been sleeping in many a Sunday I expected a terse “hello” or maybe a nod or two, but the damn Lutherans were just about as nice and friendly as could be, and I felt horribly guilty for maligning them to my sister. One lady was really cool, and we spent some time talking about the evils of the internet (heh), and how we didn’t want our kids touching it. (So to speak.)
It’s true. As far as my kid is concerned, I hate the internet and would prefer he never use the computer. I let him use the Webkinz program, I let him play Star Wars games, he goes to Nickelodeon, and I let him look up Star Wars figures on eBay, and that’s it. If he ever even mentions MySpace I will fucking laugh.
I have seen too much smut and shit and evil on the world wide web to let him near it until he’s at least a teenager. This is why I prefer him to have friends here rather than allow him to wander the neighborhood and go to other kids’ homes. God only fucking knows what other parents are allowing - mature video games, swinging from the chandeliers, blow job orgies, and MySpace.
My imagination is too good. That’s what makes me a strict asshole parent.
Anyways, back to the Lutherans. I suppose I have always felt that I had absolutely nothing in common with them and that I couldn’t possibly relate to any of them because I’m not married, I’m on disability, and I don’t have a lot of money. However, we’re all primarily there for our kids, so I suppose I need to lose my Eat The Rich attitude, sack up, and try making some friends at the church.
Speaking of friends, my old roommate and another old friend called out of the blue Saturday night. We all went to high school together and also spent a lot of time together in our twenties partying it up and just hanging out and having some really good times. We planned to get together soon, and I’m really glad. I’ve felt really disconnected from my friends lately, and it will be good to see some old friends.
This Thursday Bullshit and I are taking the J-Man to the Star Wars exhibit at the museum of Science and Industry in order to further fuel his obsession. We think that by the end of the visit he will be a full-fledged Star Wars maniac with light sabers growing out of his eyeballs.
Happy Monday.
Missicat wrote on 10/22/07 at 1:46 pm :
Agent? You’re kidding, right? Unless their last name is Mulder, then it may turn completely back into cool again. Maybe.
sooboo wrote on 10/22/07 at 4:25 pm :
I hear you on hating the rich. I used to think I could only be friends with people that have struggled, but lately I’ve been thinking that might be not so different as people who only befriend the privileged. Dunno. I do know that Agent is an awful(but hilarious) name. I almost can’t believe the hospital let them do that. Although I did go to hs with a girl who named her kid Doc Marten. Yes she did.
carlos wrote on 10/23/07 at 3:51 am :
Hhehehe you are sooo frigin funny! You make me genuinely laugh out loud. I would pay money to listen to you in a stand up comdey act- seriously!
carry on writing!
Kimberly wrote on 10/23/07 at 4:16 pm :
Don’t feel bad about being jealous. How can one not when living in a society that values rocks and fur and other assorted shit?
Your Lutheran Friend Karyn wrote on 10/23/07 at 9:51 pm :
I don’t resemble any of that “lutheran” you speak. I Think it may just be THAT church. There is no one at my location with a Beige SUV even… I should change churches! Maybe I could get a big rock!
LA wrote on 10/24/07 at 6:45 am :
The rides around here are a bit blingier (think Lincoln and Lexus) and usually black or white not beige, but dead on otherwise with the Podunkville ‘In’ crowd. And like you, I’ve found out some are nice despite the nail tips and over-scheduled children.
In Wolf’s (hah! on me) class there’s Emerald, Dakota, Zacharia, Elgant, and David. I’ll bet the kids are like, “‘David’? What the hell kind of name is David?” ~LA
Missicat wrote on 10/24/07 at 8:46 am :
Elgant? Poor kid, I bet her (his?) nickname is already eggplant.
Wolf is a cool name.
darryl zero wrote on 10/24/07 at 1:52 pm :
whoa, turn your back on a blog for a year or two and all kindsa stuff changes.
i applaud your asshole parent-ness. i drive a school bus now (yes, you may laugh), and hear all kinds of completely frightening stuff that makes me want to keep my sons on lockdown and my daughters in a convent.
and i don’t even fucking have kids yet.
best of love and such. hugs.
P. wrote on 10/26/07 at 7:22 pm :
I was raised Lutheran in the 70s, and we at our church were the antithesis of yuppies…just ask my bro who brought the ditchweed brownies to church camp and make a bunch of fellow campers freaky sick. I think it depends which synod you belong to also. Back in the day there were strict and liberal factions about which I had no clue until I found out the other ones couldn’t dance or be in Boy Scouts (What?!) So as an adult I switched to Presbyterian.
Anne wrote on 10/29/07 at 4:34 pm :
Heee…this semi-lapsed Lutheran (well, lapsed but still attending for the ‘rent’s sake, when home in MI)knows of which you speak. That is the church I attended as a kid/tween/teen. My actual church, the one that has the awesome pastor, people who know me from kindergarten…and REMEMBER my name(a trick the other church’s pastor couldn’t master even after seeing me daily at school) is a darn nice place, and yeah, even at the other one, for the most part they aren’t horrible, just…out of touch, I guess.
Lutheran’s are in general, not a bad bunch. The Wisconsin synod is extremely strict, Missouri less so, and ELCA appears fairly moderate. Missouri has somewhat melted into ELCA, out here in Mass.
Why am I babbling?!?
Your fellow parishoners are probably not bad I guess is my drift.
Happy Monday!!
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