You’re Not The Only Thing I’ve Been Ignoring…
November 26th, 2007 by trancejen
…by a long shot. I’ve been ignoring the whole internet and the computer in general. Brand-new computer, shiny red, asleep in its bag. Old black computer, unloved, unused but for a few moments in which the J-Man needs it to look up Playstation cheat codes. There is no computing going on here.
I have been going through what is termed a major depressive episode and what I term a major pile of shit.
This particular episode is characterized by the aforementioned lack of computing, lack of speaking save when completely necessary or when lying about my state of being (for example, “I am fine”), lack of showering (I showered perfunctorily on Thanksgiving to spare our guests any odor but did not wash my hair because the thought of having to actually fix it sent me into a panic), lack of caring for my child, lack of caring that I am not caring for my child, suicidal and obsessive guilt that I don’t care that I am not caring for my child, guilt that my mother is doing everything in this house while all I do is sit in the basement and watch Law and Order Criminal Intent, putting up the Christmas tree and then becoming suicidally depressed because Christmas fucks me up even worse, feeling like shit about being fat, feeling like shit about being a horrible mother, feeling like shit about being a horrible girlfriend, feeling like shit about being a non-existent friend, cutting, vomiting, smoking smoking smoking, and above all, contemplating how I might Take the Big Dirt Nap, although not doing so because a child with a crazy mother is probably better off than a child with no mother at all. Or is he?
I’m certainly bound to erase this post.
Obviously I am a cheery little ray of sunshine and my anti-depressant medication is not working at all.
My mother and doctor, clearly at the end of their respective ropes, want me to go into the hospital. I don’t, primarily because I don’t see how just being watched is going to help any. Lord knows I’m being watched enough here.
I don’t know, friends. I know that I am a mess. I know that my chemicals have become imbalanced like a motherfucker. I know that my heart hurts.
It hurts so bad.
That’s all it comes down to, really, is that it hurts so fucking bad.
Music Mp3 Albums - Everything about music » You’re Not The Only Thing I’ve Been Ignoring… wrote on 11/26/07 at 2:09 pm :
[…] Shawnkid wrote an interesting post today!.Here’s a quick excerpt …by a long shot. I’ve been ignoring the whole internet and the computer in general. Brand-new computer, shiny red, asleep in its bag. Old black computer, unloved, unused but for a few moments in which the J-Man needs it to look up Playstation cheat codes. There is no computing going on here. I have been going through what is termed a major depressive episode and what I term a major pile of shit. This particular episode is characterized by the aforementioned lack of computing, lack of speaking […]
noo wrote on 11/26/07 at 2:31 pm :
*hug*
*huge hug*
*even huger hug*
whyme63 wrote on 11/26/07 at 2:36 pm :
“feeling like shit about being fat, feeling like shit about being a horrible mother, feeling like shit about being a horrible girlfriend, feeling like shit about being a non-existent friend, cutting, vomiting, smoking smoking smoking, and above all, contemplating how I might Take the Big Dirt Nap”
Your Bad Brain Chemicals are the only ones who think this way about you. I don’t know if you are reading this or not, or if it will matter to you, but I need to tell you that your BBCs are telling you lies right now, and I’m begging you not to listen. Fight the lies, Jen. You are loved, you are valuable, and you are beautiful.
(I ride this pony myself, and I’ve contemplated Big Dirt Nap more often than I can remember. But then I lost my brother to this fucking disease in February, and now all I can think of is “Fuck you, Depression. Fuck you and your lies. You ain’t gonna get two of us to buy ourselves a dirt nap.”)
For-Tart wrote on 11/26/07 at 3:07 pm :
Hey, Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey, Jude, don’t be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.
And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don’t you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Hey, Jude! Don’t let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.
So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin
You’re waiting for someone to perform with
And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey, Jude,
You’ll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder
Hey, Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
sooboo wrote on 11/26/07 at 3:52 pm :
Sending you good vibes and hugs. I wish I could do more for you.
goatbarnwitch wrote on 11/26/07 at 4:08 pm :
I wish I could help……
Christine wrote on 11/26/07 at 4:43 pm :
>Hugs< …
Karyn wrote on 11/26/07 at 6:08 pm :
***Good Aura***
You can do this. You have done it before.
You are stronger that anything in your “fuckbrain” I know you are becasue the Jen that I have ALWAYS admired is the one that makes it REGARDLESS of what the imps in her brain do.
This Jen that I know, she comes and she goes, but it always makes me smile in my heart!
Love you!
deb wrote on 11/26/07 at 6:28 pm :
We love you. Hope you feel better soon.
jumblygiant wrote on 11/26/07 at 6:59 pm :
aw girl, being a big ole mess most of the time myself, I know some of what you’re saying.
hang in there. get some help. nothing to lose in getting a little help.
we’re all rooting for you here, regardless. xo.
kelly wrote on 11/26/07 at 6:59 pm :
hey — i’m thinking about you.
golfwidow wrote on 11/26/07 at 7:28 pm :
Hug.
Nikki wrote on 11/26/07 at 8:07 pm :
Sending feel better vibes your way, as well as hugondous virtual hugs.
Kelley, Dave and Nancy wrote on 11/26/07 at 8:16 pm :
More virtual hugs from here to you. You’re strong, you can make it through this time.
Libby wrote on 11/26/07 at 10:30 pm :
Hey, Jen, in your entry from August 28th of this year, you said that your suicidal moods could be attributed to taking (prescribed) Darvocet for your back pain, which fucked up your antidepressant. (I looked it up because I was struck at the time that something so simple could really have such an effect.) So could something be fucking up the effect of your antidepressant? It might be an easy fix if you can talk to someone who knows what they’re doing.
I also looked up your entry for the last time you were severely depressed (June 12th, 2007), because after you got back home, you talked about the darkness of dragging a blade across your skin, and the dark that whispers “die” and then working to uncover a glorious window that lets the sun shine through.
I believe you can find the sunshine again, Jen.
Jocelyn wrote on 11/26/07 at 10:32 pm :
i don’t know you from adam, or eve for that matter although i have read your blog throughout the years. am coming out of a depressive state ymself minus all the complications you have besides the sadness wanna die because it all sucks things etc, etc. the thing about hospitals is, there are people like you in there, there are people like you who are getting better and there are people like you who are not. sometimes it helps to be around fucked up people, there are ones you can thank whoever that you aren’t them, there are people who are a few degrees past where you are and give you that glimmer of hope that you will be there too. and it’s always good to know that you are not the only one.
i dunno. just thought i’d throw that out there.
dichroic wrote on 11/27/07 at 3:06 am :
Whyme63 said it way better than I can, and backs it up with more personal experience than I can. I just want to add a second voice saying that it’s true, that about the Bad Brain Chemicals.
Janet wrote on 11/27/07 at 7:43 am :
Hey Jen- go for the hospital if necessary- it will keep you safe and right now that should be top priority. I wish there was something I could do. xoxoxo
Emma wrote on 11/27/07 at 9:47 am :
The internet loves you. And you will come out of this on the other side.
bunny wrote on 11/27/07 at 11:06 am :
Hon, go to the hospital. They can tweak your meds in a more dramatic fashion there while they can keep an EDUCATED MEDICAL eye on you.
I am one of those people with the life experience to have a somewhat good idea how you feel. Boy howdy it sucks.
Wishing you joy and an expert in psychopharmaceuticals.
Miche wrote on 11/27/07 at 12:07 pm :
Sending Love and Strength.
whyme63 wrote on 11/27/07 at 12:12 pm :
By the way–I apologize to everyone for being incapable of closing my tags. I hate when I do that. It looks like shouting with a French accent.
Hugs, Jen.
Mish wrote on 11/27/07 at 1:11 pm :
(((hugs)))
kinda know how you are feeling. been there, am there
if it makes you feel any better I am such a bad friend that a high school friend (i am 33) dropped me from myspace. proof that i am a horrible friend, but the ones that can kinda, sorta, maybe try to understand are the ones that stick around. the ones you know are worth it.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 11/27/07 at 1:50 pm :
Sending you lots of love and light. Hope you get through this soon.
G (lonelywife) wrote on 11/27/07 at 2:11 pm :
i have been in relatively the same position as of late. i am really hoping you can come out of this. the point is - you are a good mother, and that may be the small light that you can see through the shroud of darkness. sending so much love your way.
Cruel Irony wrote on 11/27/07 at 3:51 pm :
You’re in my thoughts and heart. Love ya, Girl and I hope you feel better soon. Kiss, kiss.
BullShit wrote on 11/27/07 at 10:21 pm :
Ok folks, all is well. Jen is safely checked in to the hospital. (She was going to erase the post, but forgot) So, there is every hope that she’ll come out ok in a week or so. Try not to worry too much, as you won’t be hearing from her for a little while.
Just so’s you know.
~BS
Sara wrote on 11/27/07 at 11:34 pm :
Thank you for letting us know. I’ve been reading Jen’s stuff for a long time. I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me, but I send my love and best wishes to her and her family. XO.
Emma wrote on 11/28/07 at 6:26 am :
Thank you for telling us, BS. Like everyone else, I don’t know her, but I think of her and I’m glad she has people around her who can take care of her. I send my love too.
Alex wrote on 11/28/07 at 11:06 am :
Depression has not truth, it’s a little demon that lies to you. Don’t stand for it. Do whatever it takes for you to beat to shit out of it. *Sending you all the good vibes I can muster*
mama michelle (on myspace) wrote on 11/28/07 at 3:12 pm :
Jen, I don’t know you, but I’ve been reading since 2002 — I love ya. I’m glad to see that you’ve posted again. I was worrying about you all throughout Thanksgiving.
BS, thank you for the update. I hope she is feeling better soon.
Take care,
Michelle
mo from ne wrote on 11/28/07 at 6:51 pm :
I hope things get better for you. It was the right decision to go to the hospital. Be good to yourself.
Melanie wrote on 11/29/07 at 2:24 am :
Thanks for the headsup, BS. Jen is just too damn cool and good to lose to the Big Dirt Nap.
Scott wrote on 11/30/07 at 9:22 pm :
Okay, so… go into the hospital. The Trancecave isn’t working very well right now, so go get adjusted in whatever way the bigbrains in labcoats can do. Get better, or at least as better as you can. Good luck, we’re all pulling for you.
Mish wrote on 11/30/07 at 10:44 pm :
i can visit w/ a dog and 3 cats and we can ignore the world together. shared guilt is better. guess i am pretty much there myself. had a date - ignored phone. i suck. its almost like the same feeling i had when i just didnt do school projects even though i knew i should and kinda had to. i dont know - it just kinda feels like it. i know i am doing something stupid but i just dont care or just dont want to deal with it.
Mish wrote on 11/30/07 at 10:46 pm :
thanks for the update BS. let her know she is loved my many, though having been there myself, that kind of shit just made me feel worse. but we are all different…yet so similar…
jen wrote on 12/1/07 at 4:35 pm :
thinking of you….
Mish wrote on 12/1/07 at 5:46 pm :
because you cant have enough
(((hugs)))
Mish wrote on 12/1/07 at 5:49 pm :
me again. bravo for having the guts to go the hospital. its hard and i never want to go back. really hope it helps more than mine did.
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Sandra (Fatmummy) wrote on 01/3/08 at 1:41 am :
So sorry that I haven’t caught up on your blog for a while and am really devastated to read this post. You are a shining light in so many lives, I bet your family can’t even begin to put into words how proud they are of you. Keep on hanging on, Jen, you’re one in a billion. Oh and Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and Happy New Year. My son and husband, Mother, FIL and MIL have their birthdays between New Year and the 10 January! It’s a very cool time born…eveyone is so festive!! Well, in Oz they are but we’re a bunch of boozing, beaching bogans and proud of it! Okay, time for me to fill up my glass. muhahahaha to you, J, BS and the whole fabulous clan.