More About My Chest.
December 18th, 2007 by trancejen
Perhaps I am a big chain-smoking baby, but I find that the Reveal monitor still hurts. All the doctors and the fine, fine folks from Medtronic who respectively installed and made this dear little instrument and promised within an inch of their respective lives that it would not hurt are full of poopiecaca.
My chest is a Canadian sunrise of bruises. I use that term often to describe bruising because it’s suppose to be all descriptive and dramatic, but I have, in fact, never once been to Canada. I suppose I should say more honestly that my chest is like an Arizona sunrise of bruises because I have been to Arizona. Red, yellow, purple - it’s all there. See the photo below, and please note that I am wearing my Doctor’s Office Bra. You can’t see much of it, but know that it is supremely modest and supremely ugly. I am also sporting one hell of a lot of missing skin, because when I removed the initial surgical bandage, most of my skin came with it. Nice.
Since arriving home I’ve had about eight or nine syncopal episodes, causing either me or my mom to hammer away at my little garage-door-opener-cum-remote-control. Sometimes it works. Sometimes we don’t do it correctly and we get a yellow light. Sometimes I pass out directly on the damned thing if I’m wearing it around my neck. I hope I don’t break it, because it’s probably costing Medicaid twenty grand. Have you ever seen a twenty thousand dollar garage door opener? It looks like this:
So, I’m sore. I’m sore, and I’m sore at my doctor for being a big fat lying liar. This won’t hurt a bit! Riiiiight. Allow me to “delicately insert” this coffee cup up your ass.
I don’t know why I thought inserting ANYTHING under the skin of my chest wouldn’t hurt. I must have been smoking the crack.
In other news, my Christmas shopping is done. Duh-huh-hone, except for Bullshit, who is not easy to buy for. Everything I would like to get for him is either too expensive for my budget, impossible to find, or beyond the scope of my imagination. I may have to resort to those horrible “FREE SEX” coupons.
That was so tacky it made me shudder.
The J-Man has been rocking the Christmas spirit. Yesterday his choir went to three nursing homes and sang Christmas carols for the geriatric set. Then he came home and serenaded me with a rousing rendition of “I Don’t WAAAAAANNA Do My Math”.
The scary thing is that the math homework is starting to get challenging for me when I check it. I never was very good at math. All I want for Christmas is a math tutor.
Happy Tuesday. I’m off to bake more damnable, damnable Christmas cookies, two-thirds of which I will eat.
Amanda wrote on 12/18/07 at 12:49 pm :
Shit, just wait until he gets in 6th grade. I don’t even TRY to help my kid with homework anymore because it makes me feel like a giant idiot. I hired a smart kid in his class to help him with his homework and I give him 10 bucks a week. How sad is that?
Oh, and I was pretty decent at Math in school. My son is doing in 6th grade what I did as a Junior or Senior!
whyme63 wrote on 12/18/07 at 1:35 pm :
Allow me to “delicately insert” this coffee cup up your ass.
I am rolling.
Wish I’d thought of that comeback during my last endovaginal ultrasound…
For-tart wrote on 12/18/07 at 1:44 pm :
In my corner of the world I make peanut brittle and chex mix at Christmas. And eat two thirds of it. Merry Christmas, Jen.
Trance wrote on 12/18/07 at 1:53 pm :
I fucking love Chex mix so much.
And hey WhyMe, the words “endovaginal ultrasound” strike terror in my soul. GGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Cruel Irony wrote on 12/18/07 at 3:48 pm :
Glad to hear that your surgery went well and I hope the pain goes away soon!
Bozoette Mary wrote on 12/18/07 at 8:43 pm :
I’m sure that Bullshit would enjoy the coupons!
Janet wrote on 12/19/07 at 12:35 pm :
Looking at all that bruising hurt *me*.
I love the chocolate covered chex mix- maybe I’ll make some of that this year and eat 2/3 of it.
Trance wrote on 12/19/07 at 2:06 pm :
chocolate-covered chex mix?
Nirvana.
Nightowl wrote on 12/19/07 at 3:43 pm :
endovaginal ultrasound should strike terror. I just had one and its worse then it sounds. This is your right ovary. It looks pretty. This is your left ovary. It’s having a hormone crisis.
*grrr, insert that one more time and I’m going to give you a second opinion*
Janet wrote on 12/19/07 at 5:22 pm :
I used to have those endovaginal ultrasounds several times a week when we were doing in-vitros. Piece of cake.
Trance wrote on 12/20/07 at 10:43 am :
I had ‘em when I was pregnant. I was unthrilled. It didn’t hurt much, but I didn’t much like the idea of a nurse jamming a big wang up me and waving it around when I was VERY MUCH NOT IN THE MOOD.
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