Oh, A Poop, I Am So Happy!!!
January 15th, 2008 by trancejen
I’m going to Green Bay to hang with some of my internet wacko friends in a few weeks, and as I do before any of these events, I am strongly dieting so as to appear smaller to the naked eye.
Why do I do this? I don’t know. They don’t give a shit. My boyfriend doesn’t give a shit. Only I give a shit. I am, however, overweight at this time, having gained a pleasant chunk of change from the heart medication and another good few pounds over the holidays by inhaling spinach dip every time I took a breath, eating more cookies than Martha Stewart’s testing staff, and generally just gnawing on sticks of butter because I am a person without a shred of willpower. I like food. You can tell by the size of my ass that I am a person who likes food.
I don’t, however, like dieting. As a person of extremes, I’d rather eat or not eat. I think dieting is fucking stupid. I am living on Special K, which has the texture of driveway rocks and the taste of flavored cardboard, and while the Special K people are always around to remind me that I could be losing UP TO SIX POUNDS IN TWO WEEKS I am losing more because I cannot stop crapping. Special K makes you poop like a fool.
At first this was a total bonus. Pooping when you’re on a diet is a happy thing because you’re so obsessed with everything that’s going in and out of your body. A poop equals ounces (pounds?) lost, so a poop is good. You want to reach around and give your ass a hug when you poop.
After a while, though, it can be grating, if’n you know what I mean, and I think you do.
I lost nine pounds the first week.
Yay, me, right? I’m thoroughly sick of it. I’m sick of Special K Cinnamon Pecan. I’m sick of Special K Fruit and Yogurt. I’m sick of Special K Vanilla Almond. All of the pitted driveway rocks, all of the cardboard, all of the happy smiling TV ads with happy smiling dancing women in perfectly-fitting mom jeans.
I wanted some toast. So, today I ate some plain old fucking toast, and what are we to bet that I’m not going to lose another pound and that I’m going to go back to my surly, non-crapping self?
I’m betting that this will happen. At least my ass will get a break.
I had my hair bleached platinum blond by a friend who actually knows what she’s doing, and man, is it blond. It is Billy Idol blond. Pictures will be coming soon.
The kitten is fine, albeit hyper, and pictures will be coming soon of her as well.
Happy Tuesday.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 01/15/08 at 6:13 pm :
I am so looking forward to seeing your platinum blondness!
Melanie wrote on 01/15/08 at 9:42 pm :
I’m heading to the House of the Mouse in three weeks to hang with my sister and niece for a weekend, and I’m dieting. They also don’t give a shit what I look like, but I know full well that if I slog my large white ass at its current size around Disneyworld I’m going to be panting and sweating like a pig within an hour.
fredlet wrote on 01/16/08 at 12:19 am :
you’re right, we don’t care, all we care about is having you there (and conscious) and happy
Miss you!
Mike wrote on 01/16/08 at 1:05 am :
Girrrrrrl, you get up to Green Bay more than I do, and I grew up there and still have the Madre and Padre there! If you’re getting rides, you should hook me up sometime!
Allyson wrote on 01/16/08 at 11:24 am :
special k red berries is my favorite.
melissa wrote on 01/17/08 at 1:41 pm :
Damn you for making me want to embark upon my own fantastic Special K voyage….
melissa wrote on 01/17/08 at 1:42 pm :
Ha, clearly the only thing I paid attention to was the “I lost 9 pounds” part.