Last Night.
January 21st, 2008 by trancejen
Today was not a good day, as I fell and fell and fell some more, and my eye hurt and my head hurt and my brain fucking wouldn’t stop thinking like a bitch, and sleep seems like a gift.
At eight o’clock I head to the shelves in the chipped kitchen cabinet earmarked for my pills and start popping open bottles, one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen. One more.
I don’t drift off into dreamland any more. I slide into a chemical fog, the songs on my iPod growing distorted and hazy.
The black vinyl tile floor in the TranceCave is fucking freezing, and throw rugs just don’t cut it. I imagine lining the floor with layers of thick luscious shearling, mink, that stupid Swedish foam that’s always advertised on late-night TV, anything to save my frozen toes from the onslaught.
I crank up the space heater and wish it was a bonfire.
I undress, because even though it must be thirty degrees in the room I still can’t bring myself to sleep in clothes, and dive under the heavy layer of quilts and blankets I’ve created. Elmo lies on the trunk at the foot of my bed and begins a lengthy grooming process while the kitten paws lazily at my iPod’s headphone cord.
I lie back and pull the covers up and listen to Death Cab for Cutie sing about how love is watching someone die, and I think of Aaron. Anytime anyone mentions death I think of Aaron, and I think that this borders upon an unhealthy obsession, and soon and I am thinking about Aaron and why he is gone and why I was a shitty friend and why I continue to be a shitty friend and a shitty girlfriend and a shitty fat fuck who really need a life, but then the kitten jumps on my chest and stretches right across my neck.
Normally I wouldn’t allow this but she’s so warm and soft that it seems to make sense to let her lie there, comfortable and purring, and before I know it I am asleep.
Sometimes you get what you need.
Laura wrote on 01/21/08 at 3:36 pm :
Yes we do. Thanks for this, Jen. Honestly, thank you.
goatbarnwitch wrote on 01/21/08 at 4:29 pm :
Cats KNOW.
garrity wrote on 01/21/08 at 6:41 pm :
You were not a shitty friend, hon. Aaron chose what he did for Aaron’s reasons alone. Seriously. It was not about you, or me, or any of us. We couldn’t all-gone his pain any more than he could all-gone yours, or mine.
Your kitten is righteous and wise. Sometimes lal there is to be done is sleep on it.
Lisa wrote on 01/21/08 at 7:48 pm :
Your writing is so lovely. Here’s a quote that I read on another blog that I read that I think you’ll appreciate:
“There are two forms of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” -Albert Schweitzer
Kitties make everything better. Love from my black cat to yours!
Lesli wrote on 01/21/08 at 11:59 pm :
You know from your own life and feelings as written here that shitty friends have nothing whatsoever to do with what your friend did. Nothing. If anything, shitty friends give you a fire to either fight, or ditch them righteously. And good friends soften the edges. So ditch that thinking. And you know, from being a parent, that you wouldn’t befriend, be kind to, and be-gift a shitty girlfriend of your son’s…so I think what you’ve said about how BS’s parents treat you negates that statement. And the fat…well, that’s a personal perspective that I don’t have a trite sentence or two to negate, and it sounds as if you’ve had an earful or two of counseling on that one anyway. Something that has worked for some, though, is get as passionate about, say, only eating organic! Or vegan! Or whatever! as you are about being pissed at your weight. Just change your route. (Easy, eh?) You have enough crap to deal with…stop laying more on yourself already, would you?
And yeah, cats just know, don’t they?
melissa wrote on 01/22/08 at 12:50 pm :
Mmmm, this is why everyone should have at least two cats - one for the neck, one for the feet.
lisa-marie wrote on 01/22/08 at 7:24 pm :
Jen, you are and always have been an amazing friend and an amazing person! God bless you!
fredlet wrote on 01/23/08 at 1:12 am :
ah kittens. nothing better.