Don’t Go Next Do’ No Mo’.
January 29th, 2008 by trancejen
The house next door is fa’rent.
If you’re not up on your Ghetto-ese, the opposite of fa’rent is ta’own. This neighborhood used to be mostly filled with ta’own properties but has become increasingly populated with fa’rent homes and apartments, which means that a high level of undesirables, mainly drug dealers and the occasional redneck, has moved right on in. Drug dealers and rednecks don’t care for the ta’own building.
The house next door was previously rented by a family of Italian rednecks (I know, who knew?) possessing no less than nine children, one of whom moved into my home. He was a polite, affable child whose appetite was my only problem, but his family’s constant loud and colorful bickering through open windows was fairly hard to take. I don’t have the cleanest mouth in the world, but I have never heard the word “motherfucker” utilized so creatively or obsessively in all my life. And toward children, no less! There are few among us who haven’t wanted to call a kid a motherfucker at one time or another, but to actually do it was pretty extreme.
At times I thought I might call the door-knocking Baptists (who love me so well), over to slow them down a bit; but then I decided that they were teaching me how to curse more effectively as well as giving me great ghetto parenting tips. Why mess with a good thing?
The previous tenants possessed a child who stole money from my child’s piggy bank and who also threw shoes upon our roof because, well, why not? Enough said.
The current people next door have a car alarm that is so ingeniously sensitive that events like the swaying of blades of grass and/or insect farts cause it to scream in the night. And day. And early morning. It is also one of those fanciful car alarms that sound off in about twelve different tones: honk, honk, whoop-whoop-whoop, whee-ew-whee-ew, whonkwhonkwhonkwhonk, dipdipdipdip, and so on and so forth. This is, as you would imagine, charming beyond measure.
I’ve thus far been unable to determine who lives there because there is generally a steady stream of customers people in and out of the house all day and night, but one of the more frequent visitors who I think is a resident owns a large black hearse-like SUV equipped with what just might be the loudest car stereo on the face of the earth. I went to a high school in a pretty rough neighborhood and therefore have heard some ear-shattering sub-woofers; but this baby borders on causing total deafness to those inside my fucking house from a block away.
I’ll provide an example: Last month we were all decked out for the holidays, and our house was caked in Christmas tchotchkes. I’d prefer to throw ninety-eight percent of the bullshit into a dumpster, but that is a topic for another time. Anyway, I was attempting to sleep off a rather bitter migraine when Jorge came rolling up in his SUV, rap music rattling the windows. I looked out the window, irritated and disoriented enough to believe that my Screaming Look of Death might be enough to stop the noise, but it was so egregiously loud that when he opened the doors (before turning off the car and music, as all bass-thumpers do), the Christmas Crap on my coffee table actually danced to the fucking beat. I’m not exaggerating, either. The shit humped and bumped along my vitreous glass-tiled coffee table along with the beat like some kind of ghetto Nutcracker in miniature.
The music coming from inside the house is no better. I think the next-door neighbors and the neighbors across the street are having dueling mariachi parties that slowly segue into hot rap bashes as the evening grows late.
My mother fails to understand why it is not smart of her to call the police.
Firstly, I don’t want a beatdown by some crazy Mexican girl with those teardrop jail tattoos. Secondly, you never know when you might need some good drugs (I kid, I think). It’s just loco to interfere with the daily workings of the local medium-time drug dealer, especially if he has a big clientele and friends with pit bulls. I know that cops appear to be driving by the house a lot. Sometimes I wave and sort of jerk my neck in that direction. Other than that I am very much unwilling to get involved.
Generally no one keeps a fa’rent property for more than a year, so I just wait until someone better comes along. Two old people would be like a godsend. Two old people or a nice couple, or a nice couple with a non-psychotic kid. Preferably one kid only.
If you know anyone looking to rent in the ‘hood, send them my way. I’m a very good neighbor if you overlook the fact that I am wont to pass out on the lawn, frequently frightening small children.
Happy Tuesday Night.
carl wrote on 01/30/08 at 1:21 am :
Jack pot!!! great series of posts…thanks…for sharing your life; your creative writing is astonishingly heart wretchingly entertaining!
Melinda wrote on 01/30/08 at 9:10 am :
Remember a girl who was temporarily staying in Paris and reading your blog while she tried not to melt in the Paris heat (this was a couple of years ago)? Well, I live in Paris now, and today I’m sick and at home when I should be at my French lessons. (I know you need to hear about me catching the flu bug that’s going around because you have no real health problems of your own!) I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself (because I am a big baby–and even more so when I feel sick!), and when I got to “insect farts”, I just laughed and laughed. I love it! I thought I’d remind you who I am since I haven’t commented since I left you a huge, rambling message that was posted without the punctuation I put in, which made it look a bit nutso. :~) I still read your blog (obviously), I’m still rooting for you…and I still laugh at your great, great writing. “Insect farts.” Ha!
Trance wrote on 01/30/08 at 11:34 am :
Thank you both, and yes, Melinda, I remember you! Paris must be wonderful, and I’m sorry you’re too sick to enjoy it right now!
Trance wrote on 01/30/08 at 11:35 am :
And Carl, I would very much like you to write PR for me one day, should I ever hit the big time.
Nancy wrote on 01/30/08 at 1:12 pm :
LOL Trance this post really hit home!
I’ve lived in my house for 20 years..the street is fairly quiet EXCEPT for the house next door. An absentee landlord split it into a duplex and has rented it out to every loser in town. Ive had a succession of… Bikers…druggies…renters with no utilities(always wanting to borrow stuff)
psychotic children..domestic disputes..pitbulls on chains etc
But by far the best was the psycho pregnant stripper who walked around in a bikini with a giant tattoo of the grim reaper on her stomach!
good times!
Trance wrote on 01/30/08 at 3:26 pm :
Nancy, you don’t happen to live on the south side of Chicago, do you? LOL
Irene wrote on 01/30/08 at 4:24 pm :
O MY GOODNESS!You have no idea how much this entry cracked my shit up.Thank you so much I really needed this!Please never stop.
taliana wrote on 01/30/08 at 6:23 pm :
The car alarm story reminds me of something that happened a few months ago. I was awoken at 3am by a car alarm. It would go thru the cycle of different sounds (like what you described), stop for a few seconds and then start again. I threw my pillow over my head to muffle the sound and fell back asleep. Woke up again at 430 to the sound of the alarm still…pillow over head, fell back asleep. Woke up at 6, and it was still going. I finally got up and called the police. They came and towed the vehicle away. Thank goodness.
Sorry you have loud neighbors. I feel your pain. I live in an apt, and my walls and floors are constantly thumping because of my neighbors music and video games.
Amian wrote on 01/30/08 at 8:33 pm :
What’s a fa’rent house in the hood cost these days?
Not that I’m too keen on living in the hood, but I am keen on cheap-ass rent if such a thing is to be found.
Trance wrote on 01/30/08 at 8:39 pm :
500 bucks or so, at least the one across the street. The one next door is probably less.
Trance wrote on 01/30/08 at 8:39 pm :
That’s for a house, too. An apartment is probably super cheap.
Amian wrote on 01/30/08 at 9:30 pm :
Wow. We’re paying almost $1200 for a non-descript 2 bedroom apartment in the burbs. We may have to take a look at the sout’ side when our lease is up this summer.
Trance wrote on 01/30/08 at 10:38 pm :
LOL. Trust me, you don’t want to live in this neighborhood.
Amian wrote on 01/31/08 at 5:36 am :
That’s what my husband said when I told him. LOL
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