A Backbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.
January 30th, 2008 by trancejen
I have a seriously fucked up back due to some disc degeneration, and I long for massages. However, my budget expressly forbids massages of any kind except the sort that drunken old men offer on the street, and let me tell you, they miss a lot of spots. Plus I once found a fingernail in my bra strap.
I think I just grossed myself out.
Anyway, my father, who can be the world’s most insensitive, damn-your-ass-is-big jackass but the world’s greatest, most spot-on, generous gift-giver, gave me one of those heated shiatsu massage chair cushions for Christmas. He also gave me money, but I find myself actually appreciating the cushion even more.
I have been using it often, and the moans of pleasure that escape my lips when I am sitting on the thing can only be described as orgasmic. In fact, I am loathe to sit on it when the J-Man is awake because I feel vaguely sick and wrong, like some parento-pedophile that has kinky sex in front of the children.
Yesterday, however, was a bad back day, and no dirty, R-rated groans were going to stop me from plopping down upon my little shiatsu friend. I positioned it on the couch, leaned back, tuned in, turned on, and smiled, trying to keep from making inappropriate sounds, when the J-Man looked at my blissed-out face and said, “Can I go next?”
It had never occured to me, because children’s spines are made of linguine, but I thought, why the hell not?
“OK, we stop if it hurts. If it is hurting you in any way, tell me. The little balls in that thing are sort of strong. TELL ME IF IT HURTS YOU.”
I wasn’t about to be taking my nine-year-old to a fucking chiropractor.
“OK. Turn it on.”
“Do you want heat?”
“No.” He glanced at me nervously. “No heat.”
“OK. Here we go. This is a rolling massage. I think the shiatsu is too strong.”
I pushed the power button and his brown eyes widened in surprise. “Wow! That feels goooood!”
“Doesn’t it?!”
“Oh my God!”
“I KNOW!! Don’t say that at school.”
“Sorry. This is great!”
“Yeah! Want to try the shiatsu?”
“Yeah!!”
*presses button*
“Oh, WOW!”
“I KNOW!”
“This is the coolest thing EVER!”
“I KNOW!”
“Do the heat, do the heat!”
*presses button*
“WOW! Awesome! I’m so doing this every day!”
“Ha, ha!! You’ll have to drag me away first!!”
“Do it again, it shut off.”
“‘kay. I really hope this is isn’t damaging your growing back.”
“Nah.”
“Probably not.”
“This is seriously cool.”
“I know.”
I think I’ve spawned a luxury-phile. He’s already onto my mother’s foot cream. By the time he’s twelve he’ll be making spa appiontments, booking Swedish massages and mani-pedis.
I don’t know whether to be nervous about this or impressed.
Happy Wednesday.
By the way, I have a new Feedburner feed thing, and if I can figure out how to put it up so that people can actually use it, I will do so tonight.
carl wrote on 01/30/08 at 10:35 pm :
massages by drunken old men…and broken finger nail…made my morning…laugh out loud feel good humor…there is something about the “jen” that puts me in a “trance”! LOL
“since i started readin TranceJen i no longa feel da need to smoke crack! TranceJen is my new addiction!”
keep writing; you = so cool!
Bozoette Mary wrote on 01/31/08 at 10:49 am :
Ah, he is his mamma’s son!
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