Chilling.
January 30th, 2008 by trancejen
It’s train-station cold in the TranceCave this evening, and while the radiant space heater clenches its little feet and trembles with effort, the chill still shivers into my skin and burrows right into the very meat of me.
It’s shitty driving weather, to be sure. I remember driving over the suspended bridges and into the steel mill on this fierce-blowing kind of night-day at four AM, terrified of the ice and snow and the front-loading slab haulers with tires the size of moving trucks.
I remember completely forgetting about being cold because I was lost in my own sense of danger.
Tonight I am enjoying a nice raspberry ale I brought home from Wisconsin and smoking in the cold basement, wrapped in the ridiculous outfit of leopard-spotted velour pajama pants, a black shirt, a heavy, knee-length red cardigan, a waist-length brown cardigan, and blue furry socks.
I am thinking about once again being lost in my own sense of danger.
During the day I am mostly good, emotionally. I think that the sunshine and the daily minutiae of most people’s lives allow them the luxury of being mostly good. Well, those things and sometimes pills.
During the night, however, I don’t feel mostly good. During the night I want to bleat, “What now?”
This is the point in which I am supposed to take more pills - pills for insomnia, pills for anxiety, pills for depression, pills to be my bridge over troubled waters; but I am tired of taking pills. Pills are a small comfort when what I long for are answers.
Worry not, though, I will take the pills.
I’ve just had an achy day.
I will burrow down into my black furry blanket and plug myself into my iPod and listen to something that really tickles me, like Tom Waits; or something that touches me, like some of that Satie Kevin and I talked about, and then drugged sleep will slide down over my body like a heavy lover and I’ll be happy.
Sometimes it just worries me that I like to spend so damned long sleeping. That, I think, is dangerous.
Happy Wednesday Night. I’ll be more cheerful tomorrow.
carl wrote on 01/31/08 at 5:37 am :
I some times have to remind myself that you are a real living breathing person and not some fictional character out of a novel. Truly I think of you that way sometimes. I mean come on most peoples lives are really dull and boring. Not you! You live in the hood! That’s pretty damn edgey! Also you have a mysterious illness that causes you to pass out unexpectantly coupled with other maldies and self image issues. That truly make up such a wonderful beautiful quirky and dare I say truly SANE individual that looms larger than life; why would you not want to be you! It’s really the stuff of pure fiction. I am just one of many who read your blog daily because of your openness to share the often dark side of life as you are living it. I get to live vicariously through you. I can’t help but feel some jealousy; because your life although may appear fucked up is so much more intense and interesting than most people’s including mine.You have such a great kid, partner and supportive family. You are still the main character!!! The one I love to read about. It’s sort of perverse to get so much pleasure from your writing cuz it’s not always so ha ha funny; I mean you write a great mix of humor and drama and serious issues too. Therefore I must remind my self; you are not a fictional character. Reading your blog sometimes feels rather voyeristic (like peeping in your picture window) since you have the guts to be so open about your life. I have a good feeling that if you keep writing there will come some interesting opprotunities in your future. Always the optimist LOL and friends have said I am a bit of a bullshitter too,LOL just kidding, but honestly I just wanted to express that your writing is good and hope you remain inspired; my god if this is your real life…imagine what sort of characters you could create! LOL Okay that is enough from me. I’ll crawl back under my rock again
Bozoette Mary wrote on 01/31/08 at 10:50 am :
That ale is a love bomb of raspberry goodness. Yum.
Trance wrote on 01/31/08 at 11:24 am :
Carl, Jesus, man, I don’t even know what to say to that. But thank you.
And Mary, you are so, so, right.
melissa wrote on 01/31/08 at 12:35 pm :
Jen, that outfit sounds really glamorous and sexy. I mean, come on - velour leopard print pants AND two sweaters?
trancejen wrote on 01/31/08 at 1:00 pm :
What can I say…I’m a fashion plate.
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