Kitty Takes a Road Trip.
February 1st, 2008 by trancejen
We had a good five or six inches of snow last night and it hasn’t stopped yet, so I assumed that school would be closed today.
Nope. I forgot that the incredibly tough Lutherans subscribe to the theory that unless there is five feet of snow and the doors cannot possibly be opened - and even then some hulking German lady will more than likely tunnel through the shit and chisel a hole in the glass doors - there will be school.
The Lutherans don’t fuck around.
The J-Man has been this week’s Special Person, so the week has been filled with the bringing of photos and the displaying of favorite items and the general glory, laud and honor of the child. Today, however, was a red-letter day in that he was allowed to bring a pet to school.
When he first told me this I naturally assumed that he was full of crap. Pets? In school? With the strict and rigid Lutherans? Surely he was mistaken, delirious, or already partaking of the crack that runs rampant in grade schools across the nation.
I reluctantly called the teacher, Mrs. Fleigenflogen, to check out the story. Mrs. Fleigenflogen is German and strict and makes me extremely nervous.
“Yes?”
“Mrs. Fleigenflogen, this is Miss Trance, the unmarried heathen with the nose ring. I was just wondering, ah, about tomorrow - the J-Man seems to think that he can bring a pet to school, ha, ha, and, well, yeah. Ahem.”
“Yes.”
“Excuse me?”
“He can.”
“Oh. Um, OK.”
“It has to be either in a cage or on a leash. You may bring it first thing in the morning and he may talk about it for a few minutes, and then it has to go home with you.”
“Oh, OK. Um, that sounds fine. Thank you.”
“See you tomorrow morning.”
“Um, thank you.”
God, she makes me nervous.
Therefore after a round of I-told-you-sos, I had to prepare the kitten for travel, meaning that I had to wash her ass.
The kitten has not yet figured out that she is supposed to lick herself clean. She is a long-haired kitten. As a result, she smells like she has rolled in the litter box. Perhaps she has. I don’t know, but I do know that yesterday when she innocently jumped up on my shoulder I was assaulted by a smell so vile I thought that Barry White had sneaked into the room and laid a White Castle fart upon my neck.
Have you ever tried to wash the butt of a kitten with claws?? It was like trying to juggle steak knives. I’m not sure who was more unhappy about the situation, but I’m betting that it was me.
This morning I scanned the school closing website like a freak, but no dice, the moms and I would be taking J-Man and cat to the House of Luther.
I packed up the kitten, who was already mewling to be let out, and the J-Man, who was already howling to hold the kitten in the car, and we were off.
I arrived in the classroom to find the frightening Mrs. Fleigenflogen (terse nod) and several children staring at me with wide eyes. The J-Man’s Mom! With a kitten! Oh my God!-Gosh!
Now I am generally not a fan of OPK (Other People’s Kids), but I have to admit that the Lutherans were sort of endearing today. When the J-Man took the kitten up to the front of the room, they collectively oohed and aahed, and they listened to his little speech with rapt attention:
“This is my kitten, Skittles. We got her from the Humane Society. My mom gave me the carrier for Christmas to surprise me with a note that said your presence is requested or something like that. My grandpa got one too. We had to wait a couple of weeks for her because she got pink eye. My grandpa’s had a parasite called chor-something, I don’t remember. He had to wait too. She chases my mom’s cat Pooper, who is really named Elmo but my mom calls her Pooper.” *class turns to look at weird mom* “We have two other cats, too. We have one cat who has seizures like my mom because she’s old.” *class turns to look at weird mom* “The other cat we found outside. So that’s basically it.”
Then he was allowed to take the kitten around to all the kids so that they could pet her while the one, poor, allergic kid went out in the hallway to sulk.
The kitten was a trooper. She practically smiled.
After that, I packed her back up in her little bag and left, waving goodbye to the J-Man, who was beaming from all the attention, and avoiding the ever-vigilant eye of Mrs. Fleigenflogen.
I took the kitten out in the car because she was crying, and she let out a huge, satisfied fart.
She is now sleeping contentedly in the laptop bag, exhausted.
I am thinking about baking my neighbors (the non-drug-dealers) something delicious because they snow-blew my entire driveway and walk. Awesome.
Happy Friday.
Mish wrote on 02/1/08 at 12:25 pm :
LOL - every time i pick up my cat its like juggling steak knives - I love that! Not the blood and scarring - the analogy. The “we have another cat that has seizures like my mom because she’s old” must have been lovely.
Crazy Cat Lady IV wrote on 02/1/08 at 12:43 pm :
I think we need some additional pictures of your cute, wittle kitten.
Jas wrote on 02/1/08 at 1:29 pm :
I went to Lutheran school (my grandfather was the pastor of the associated church, no pressure on me or anything), and your descriptions of the teachers, the kids, and the general attitude of the Germans is spot on. Every time I read about the J-Man’s school it takes me back - in a good way =).
Poppy wrote on 02/1/08 at 1:41 pm :
I love neighbors with snowblowers.
Cruel Irony wrote on 02/1/08 at 3:44 pm :
For a split second, I thought you were going to bake your neighbors. Boy was I relieved when I read the rest of the sentence. That would be a weird mom indeed.
Epiphany wrote on 02/1/08 at 4:57 pm :
And here I thought the word bake followed by mention of drugs meant something altogether different
I find it so very bizarre the kitten’s name is Skittles, since I named a kitten that when i was a little kidlet myself.
Yay for Germans!
Poppy wrote on 02/1/08 at 5:01 pm :
Hey - I forgot to mention my own Bring Your Pet For Show & Tell story! In first grade I decided to bring my hamster to class. My mom parked the car across the street from the playground and I got out clutching the travel cage with whichever of the numerous short-lived hamsters I had at the time. As I got out of the car the bottom fell off the travel cage and the hamster scurried under the car. My mom and I both crouched down trying to nab the escapee and we drew quite the crowd from the playground - all eager to help capture the fuzzball. Well, the fuzzball liked its freedom and/or it was totally freaked out by the situation and it bit one or two kids before it was finally stuffed back into its cage. Within the week a memo went out to all parents forever banning visits from live animals. I’m such a trend setter.
trancejen wrote on 02/1/08 at 5:14 pm :
LMAO, Poppy…
Melanie wrote on 02/1/08 at 10:02 pm :
Huh — momma cats get kittens to start pooping and peeing by, well, licking the appropriate area (and suddenly human toilet training seems SO much more tolerable). Maybe Skittles didn’t get the 411 and honestly doesn’t know how to clean herself.
If you can trim the steak knives, you might want to try getting a soft terrycloth washcloth, hold her gently but firmly by the ruff and just scrub away. She’ll soon learn that if she doesn’t want the Terrycloth of Doom touching her ladybits she needs to step up and take care of the issue herself.
Christine wrote on 02/2/08 at 1:58 pm :
“We have one cat who has seizures like my mom because she’s old.. The other cat we found outside.” hehehe!
DivaGirl wrote on 02/2/08 at 2:59 pm :
“…I was assaulted by a smell so vile I thought that Barry White had sneaked into the room and laid a White Castle fart upon my neck.”
I think I just peed myself from laughing so hard!
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