Disability Review Jeopardy
February 7th, 2008 by trancejen
It’s disability review time!! Are you ready to play Disability Review Jeopardy?? Joining us will be Jen’s cardiologist, Dr. Boobman, Jen’s neurologist, Dr. Pinprick, Jen’s psychiatrist, Dr. Braindrain, and Jen’s pain management doctor, Dr. Spinefucker.
Get your buzzers ready, folks, and please remember to phrase your answers in the form of a question.
“I am on how many medications?”
“BZZT!”
“Dr. Braindrain.”
“TOO MANY!”
“That is partially correct, but we were looking for a number. I’m sorry.”
…
“No one knows? These disability forms have to be filled out in their entirety, all forty-seven pages, remember.”
…
“The correct answer is sixteen. Sixteen different medications. Your nurses should have all of this information. Now let’s try again.”
“I am on disability for…”
“BZZT!” “BZZT!” “BZZZT!” BZZZT!”
“Oh my. I think that was Dr. Pinprick.”
“Basiliar artery migraine and, well, some sort of autonomic nervous system dysfunction, ah, we don’t really know right now. You are going to a specialist soon.”
“Incomplete answer. Dr. Boobman.”
“Syncopal attacks. In layman’s terms, You are passing out, Jenny-fahr.”
“Incomplete answer. Dr. Braindrain.”
“Jenny-fahr, you are being treated for major depression and eating disorder.”
“Incomplete, and not relevant. Dr. Spinefucker.”
“I am treating you for some ruptured discs in your back and neck, and I know you have other medical issues.”
“Don’t any of you guys work together?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, don’t any of you communicate, compare notes, know what the other is doing, prescribing, treating me for? I mean, I pass along phone numbers.”
“Um…”
“I didn’t think so.”
“Look, we are very busy men. Busy and important.”
“Just get the papers filled out. Please.”
“Papers?”
“Oy.”
The disability review paperwork is monumental and getting doctors to fill it out is not a fun process.
Once again I feel like I am begging for charity. Please! Here I am, sickly! Allow me to live off of the government like a fat slug who sits at home nights with a heating pad tied around her back watching Project Runway, drinking beer, and smoking cigarettes against medical advice because I am stir fucking crazy.
It sounds sad and it is.
The other day I gave my phone number to a charming, charming reader of this site, which is not something I do, ever, but John is a long-time commenter and someone I have liked immensely from what he’s written and from what I’ve read on his now-defunct website.
He called and I found myself nervous, thinking, “What have I got to say?” Because really, my life is as mundane as is gets. I sort of schlep around the house and am sick eighty percent of the time; and occasionally, I am able to go out and do things, and I write about stupid crap. Thankfully people enjoy reading my stupid crap, but I am actually sort of a shy person and I worry that I am less of a person now, being this disabled thing, this half-woman, this generally housebound mom.
I am the sort of person I probably would have looked at before and felt sorry for, if truth be told, and that makes me feel sick.
I enjoyed my conversation with John. We did, in fact, find a lot of things to talk about, thanks mostly to John, who is a great conversationalist, and hopefully I was not too loud and bombastic, as I tend to get when I am nervous, and hopefully we will talk again sometime.
I just hate the disability review because it reminds me of who I am in black and white. My caseworker has sent me a list of demands: List your current medications. List the progress of your condition. I will list the progress of my condition, lady.
The progress of my condition is slow and unerring. One indicator of the progress of my condition is that I cannot see the TV in my room anymore because it is too small, even though it sits directly in front of the bed. Another is that I am very, very afraid that I am becoming addicted to painkillers, but I have no alternative considering the fact that I am almost always in pain. My fucking condition has progressed emotionally in that I am angry. I can’t sleep now without a whole big handful of drugs. Progressive insomnia! My smoking has progressed so much that I now chain-smoke and leave burning butts in ashtrays far and wide. Everyone I know has seen me fall down. Social progress. I no longer have any relevant job skills, leaving me to believe that I have progressed into a truly disabled individual. I have become hatefully jealous of people in shiny tailored work clothes, all stylish shoes and sleek suiting, which is probably the progress of a psychotic bitch. The progress of my condition is that I am deteriorating.
I wonder what she would say if I sent that.
But enough bitter-drips for one day. Did you watch Project Runway? *Spoilers Ahead*
.
.
.
.
.
.
Could you believe the level of tacky? Did you just about shit your pants when Ricky, known crier on all occasions, actually didn’t cry when he bit the dust?
.
.
.
End Spoilers
.
.
.
I think I did that right…
.
.
.
Happy Thursday. Make it work, people.
trancejen wrote on 02/7/08 at 11:36 am :
Oh Shit, I’m Sorry!!!! I’ll put up a notice for spoilers!!
trancejen wrote on 02/7/08 at 11:40 am :
Erika, I deleted your comment because it repeated the spoiler, so there you go.
And again, I’m sorry!!!
For-Tart wrote on 02/7/08 at 2:15 pm :
The pain killers can be a nasty necessity. I took high strength norco every day for 7 months before I had surgery for degenerative disk disease. I was very sad when I did not have them around anymore. It took a few months to become “me” again.
Hostrauser wrote on 02/7/08 at 6:08 pm :
Hmm, let’s see… you’re tall, you’re angry, you have no know job skills… have you thought about becoming a part-time bouncer? Physical therapy can also mean cracking chumps’ skulls… you’d be surprised at how theraputic that is!
julie wrote on 02/7/08 at 7:05 pm :
hi jen.
i am a long time reader (lurker i believe you would call me… :-/) but this is the first time i have left a comment because truly, it feels awkward. i do not actually know you, but i feel like i do. as pathetic as that sounds…
many years ago i stumbled upon your journal through a banner on diaryland that said, “not just your garden variety smartass”. that really intrigued me, so i though i would check it out and here i am, still reading years later. i have to say i truly admire you with everything you have had to go through and are going through. most people do not have your courage.
anyway, just thought you should know you have a fan in san diego, and i love reading your stuff.
-julie
John in Phoenix wrote on 02/7/08 at 10:33 pm :
Hiya Jennifahr !
I really enjoyed our all too *brief* phone conversation on Tuesday night and I fully intend to call you again in the not too distant future I assure you. Hell - we barely scratched the surface of who w are, what we think and so on…Perhaps this coming weekend we can do another phone call and knock back a few.
For those of you that have never met/spoken to Jen…Sucks to be you ! LOL. I got more info in a 15 minute phone call with you Jen than I normally do in a normal 8 hour workday surrounded by bored/boring co-workers. I did run up to Walgreen’s and get the hubby his happy pills as soon as I got off the phone, and not a moment too soon. Gah…I love the man but without the happy pills it’s like living with a 2 year old version of Helen Keller. Dear god. And don’t worry about getting hooked on the painkillers Jen - you do what you have to do sometimes to dull the knife edge of the back/neck pain. I know I sure do.
Oh - and I too was thinking “now what in the hell could I possibly have to say to Jen that has even the most remote possibility of being interesting?” And I must admit that I was giddy all Tuesday afternoon in anticipation of calling you. I’m glad I did…Folks - The divine Ms Jen - she ROCKS !
Tomorrow is finally Friday thank the gods…Weekend and cocktails ahoy !
*Muwah*
- John in Phoenix
Trance wrote on 02/8/08 at 9:19 am :
John, you’re way too nice, and it was wonderful talking to you. I look forward to dishing the dirt with you again soon!!!
Trance wrote on 02/8/08 at 9:19 am :
And Julie, Thank You.
Kungfukitten wrote on 02/15/08 at 5:12 pm :
After reading all of this, It’s obvious we need to get you a larger television set. And a Tivo. I don’t believe anyone should watch TV without a Tivo. It’s just wrong. wrong wrong wrong.