Workin’ For A Livin’ and My Fat vs. Your Fat.
February 12th, 2008 by trancejen
I finished my first assignment (designer sunglasses, apparently we write for a plethora of websites including those selling sunglasses) and it went very, very well! I finished everything far ahead of schedule and my bosswoman liked everything very much and I am as happy as can be.
Right on, Trance Copywriter!
So soon I am on to the next assignment, which is… something. I don’t know yet. This is the exciting part. It could be sofas, it could be more sunglasses, it could be light fixtures, it could be anything.
It could be something that you will buy. It could be something supremely gross like enemas. It could be something fabulous like shoes.
It could be something about which I am supremely knowledgeable, like…
…I have no fucking idea. Do I have an area of expertise when it comes to online shopping? I really don’t know. Shoes? Books? Music?
Laptop computers that I will be paying for forever?
I’m not sure, but I do know that I am chock-full of adjectives and ready to rock and roll.
This is fun, this copy writing. So far I am enjoying it immensely. I am told that when I am describing my forty-fifth china cabinet I will be less enthralled, but for now I will continue to ride the wave of my enthusiasm.
I received an e-mail yesterday that accused me of being anti-fat.
For once, I didn’t quite know how to respond. I suppose it’s true, in a sense. I suppose my distaste for fat is quite palpable, and I suppose that comes across quite clearly in my writing.
Still, I would like to clarify. I am not anti-fat in the sense that I look at other people’s chubby bodies with revulsion. I don’t hate your fat. I hate my fat. I don’t think that my hating my fat equals my hating your fat. You have your own feelings about your fat, and whether you even think you’re fat is up to you and you alone.
I suppose I never thought about the fact that me mocking my fat would hurt someone else who was overweight. It did, and I’m sorry for that, but I cannot change the way I feel about my own body.
I fucking hate my fat.
I am fat. I am currently a plus-sized, overweight, large-assed woman, and when I talk about myself I am sometimes cruel. Sometimes I am intentionally very cruel to myself, and this is a poor manner of self-torture I have utilized since I’ve been a child. It is meant to motivate me to get up off of my fat (see, here we go), lazy ass and diet, exercise, and become the thin person I am supposed to be.
Cruelty is supposed to breed action, you see, not distress. Motivation is the name of the game, here, not petty name-calling. I do it to help me, not to hurt you.
So when I talk about my belt needing its own border patrol and my ass needing its own zip code and the heels of my shoes calling 911 and my neck going AWOL, I am just trying to inject a small amount of humor into the fact that I am calling myself - not you - a fatty, fat fat fat.
I would never in a thousand fucking years call somebody else fat. I would never care if someone else was fat. Who the hell cares? I care whether the people around me are happy. I hope that they feel the same way about me.
I am not happy being fat. Therefore I am trying to change that. I apologize if my motivators are sometimes crass.
I hate the fat on my body as if it were a cancer. I hate it because it makes me feel badly about myself. I hate it for making me self-conscious and awkward and stiff. I hate it for making me cry. I hate it for making my face look like someone else’s face. I hate it for making me feel old. I hate it for making me feel weak. I hate it for being a symptom of so much that is wrong with me.
I hate my fat, but not your fat. You can be as fat as you want to be, trust me. You can still be strong, beautiful, happy, fulfilled, even healthy.
For some reason, though, I cannot.
I feel like I’m sounding condescending or not explaining this right, but I’m explaining it as best as I can. I hope that you understand the distinction.
Happy Tuesday.
kat wrote on 02/12/08 at 7:42 pm :
Wow…once again, you have written what could have been my words. I feel the same way about MY fat. Yours? Not so much. I couldn’t care less about yours or anyone else’s fat…I don’t have to carry it, dress it, look at it in my mirror. So, listen up, offended person: Let Jen do what Jen does best, which is to write about what’s on her mind and in her heart. Lighten up! Heh…pun intended!
lisa-marie wrote on 02/13/08 at 4:00 pm :
Amen, Jen, you explained it perfectly! I feel exactly the same way. I’m always afraid to admit how much I hate my fat, disgusting body for fear of insulting my fat, beautiful friends. I love them and don’t care if they’re fat. I love myself as well, but I hate that I’m fat. I hate what I’ve done to my body and my health by abusing food, and I’m trying to change it. Good luck to you, Jen!
Cruel Irony wrote on 02/13/08 at 6:15 pm :
Congratulations on the copywriting job! I’m so thrilled for you. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
John in Phoenix wrote on 02/13/08 at 7:37 pm :
Damn girl - I may be the male of the species, but you just wrote down what I feel alllll the time myself.
God Dammit…I couldn’t say it any better than what you wrote. Thanks kiddo !
- John in Phoenix