Once Again Unemployed.
February 18th, 2008 by trancejen
Good things flit in and out of my life like butterflies alighting upon a pile of shit.
This sounds like a very dismal view to take and it probably is, but I am finding cheery optimism in short supply today. Plus I just had a needle inserted into my spine and I’m plain old fucking cranky.
I no longer have a job, thanks very much to the system that confines me.
I have two types of medical insurance: Medicare and Medicaid. Disability and Medicare, which covers only hospitalizations, allow me to make up to six hundred dollars a month. Medicaid, which is for broke folks and is my primary insurance that covers doctor visits, prescriptions, and tests, allows me to make five hundred a month over my disability income before kicking me out of the plan. Any income I make prior to that five hundred gets soaked up into a spend down for my prescriptions (I already have a four-hundred-dollar spend down), so it makes no sense for me to work simply to put that money right back into the pharmacy anyway.
Therefore I’m fucked.
I found all of this out after talking to my Medicaid caseworker.
What makes this worse is that I actually brought up some questionably legal alternatives to the boss lady, who thankfully was born with a little sense and did not jump at my plans to defraud the federal government; and now here I am.
And yes, I am thoroughly ashamed that I was willing to defraud the federal government to keep a fucking copy writing job. I am even more ashamed and humiliated that I was willing to ask someone else to do it. Have I no pride, no ethics, no sense? Apparently not.
Apparently I am the kind of person who will do whatever it takes to get mine, and that scares me. Why not just start my own meth lab?
I am pretty sick over this whole thing, though. I was far more geeked than I let on about being able to truly contribute to the household finances more than I am with my disability checks, and this copy writing gig would have been a good, good thing in that regard.
It was good for me in other ways too - in terms of me feeling like a person again, like a real working human being and not just a lump of diseased shit that sits festering on the sofa, it was great. I was good at it, I liked it, and it ate up a good chunk of the time I normally spend slacking or reading or watching television.
The bottom line is that I cannot lose my healthcare, because it is keeping me alive, but my healthcare is not making me well enough to do anything worthwhile. Now it is not allowing me even this small part-time job.
I find this to be as depressing as hell.
I don’t know. I just really wanted to do this. It really made me happy. I was thrilled by the opportunity, and I was truly over the moon about being able to work again. Even my parents were really fucking excited about it, because they know how I am. How I’ve been. It was almost silly, how fucking happy we all were. Jenny’s got a job!! Go, Productive Member of Society Jenny!!
It was a little job. A little good thing. Nothing that would ever have changed the world.
I just felt like I had a little piece of myself back.
It may seem stupid, but I was holding onto that precious piece for dear life; and now that it’s been ripped away from me, I hurt.
What surprises me is how badly it hurts.
LA wrote on 02/18/08 at 2:49 pm :
It’s not stupid in the least! Goodness, hon, cut yourself a little slack. It’s absolutely normal to want to have a job and do something that isn’t bent in pretzels around your being ill. That job was a way of feeling human again and mourning the loss of it, especially because here’s yet another thing your shitty health has taken something away, is a reasonable response. I’m sorry the &%$#@ rules said you couldn’t keep it, I’ll bet you are a damn fine copy writer. ~LA
lisa-marie wrote on 02/18/08 at 3:51 pm :
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that, Jen! I was so happy for you with your little job! It’s not stupid of you to feel hurt over this. It’s not fair, and it’s not right! The government should be THRILLED that you’re more than willing to work despite your disablity; they should reward you! This system stinks!
Katherine wrote on 02/18/08 at 4:06 pm :
Bummer. It sucks that our “one size fits none” social services system has screwed you out of your good thing. I take exception to your concern over your ethics. If $500 or even $1100 a month rendered you able to support yourself and pay your medical expenses, THEN it would be defrauding the government to accept those payments while continuing to accept Medicaid and/or disability. It would not come close do so doing and being willing to take some work for pay under the table strikes me as perfectly reasonable and not in the least unethical. I hope you find someone in a better position to work around the system to employ you, it’s only right.
Pico wrote on 02/18/08 at 5:32 pm :
Nooooo!
Would they be willing to make the checks out to your mother, possibly?
Trance wrote on 02/18/08 at 6:23 pm :
That sort of falls under “defrauding the government”.
Lesli wrote on 02/18/08 at 8:41 pm :
I know nothing about how this works, but couldn’t your copywriting employer pay you, say, $1 a month officially, and somehow give you the difference in bonuses or expenses or however it would work all legal-wise?
John in Phoenix wrote on 02/18/08 at 9:58 pm :
Well God Dammit all ! You would think that our oh-so-wonderful government would actually applaud and send encouragement to people in this country that are stuck between not being able to work fulltime due to physical limitations, but trying their best to use their talents to help bring in a few bucks….but no - gotta keep you hanging on the end of a rope. Grrrrr. Jen honey - find someone *if you can* that can pay you under the table. I know how badly you want to be actively working and supporting yourself and the J-man.
It’s just not fair dammit. Not fair at all. Hey - maybe we’ll all get lucky and GW Bush will suspend the constitution and be elected to a third term…*burp*…What the hell has happened to this country anyway?
Just John in Phoenix being a bitch today…Hang in there gorgeous - If I had the cash I’d be sending it your way in a heartbeat.
Steph wrote on 02/18/08 at 11:21 pm :
Apparently they set those limits back in 1957, when $500 a month could buy something more than a few tanks of gas.
OK, I’m exaggerating. But not by much.
Dichroic wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:15 am :
I don’t know if this would help, but could you do writing work for charity? I suspect the ACLU or Planned Parenthood or Save the Iguanas or the charity of your choice could use some free help from a skilled writer. You would not be contributing to your family, which would suck, but you would be doing real work of real benefit to someone, somewhere. I don’t know if that’s enough.
sooboo wrote on 02/19/08 at 4:14 am :
There has to be a way around this. C’mon, most people have either had people work for them or have themselves, worked off the books at some point. It’s the American way.
Matt wrote on 02/19/08 at 8:35 am :
Can’t they make the checks out to Jman or your Mom and just let you do the work?
Melanie wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:11 pm :
This just absolutely sucks, and I’m so sorry that you were screwed like this. I also understand your reluctance to get the Man pissed off at you by accepting under-the-table work — as you say, your healthcare is what’s keeping you alive. You don’t want to fuck with that.
I lived in Holland for two years and was in a similar position — I couldn’t work even thought I was married to an EU citizen, and it drove me fucking bugshit (we lived in a house on a small farm in the ass end of Holland — if we’d been somewhere cool like Amsterdam or the Hague it would’ve been a helluva lot better). I know it doesn’t bring in any money, but writing for a non-profit group really can be rewarding, if nothing else because they’re usually so damn grateful that a skilled writer is willing to do the work for nothing.
Katie wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:35 pm :
Being unemployed myself, I see what you mean. I feel absolutely useless being unable to provide for myself, let alone anyone else. It makes me feel absolutely incompetent to be turned down for every application I turn in, to never be called for interviews. You, on the other hand, have just found out that you *can’t* do that even if you wanted to, because the difference between having a job and not having the medical is still too great. You had your opportunity and got it ripped out from under you; you’ve got every right to feel that this sucks, because it does.
anne wrote on 02/21/08 at 1:51 pm :
This is just heartbreaking. It hurts me - a lurker, a stranger - just to read it, and it’s actually happening to you. It makes me angry. Your words also make me think - about my new profession (nursing), about my lifelong attempt to always be compassionate with anyone I meet (mostly I’m alright at that, unless I’m seized by road rage… but I’m getting over that…), to be thankful for the good things I have in my life. Thank you.
I am so sorry about the job. I hate that it was pulled out from under you like this.
I also want to add that you are a fantastic, clear, honest, very funny writer - thank you for sharing your words with all of us.
Kim wrote on 02/23/08 at 10:15 am :
Damn it. I was about to suggest something dumb, like getting paid under the table, but I suppose that also falls under the defrauding category. It makes me sick to hear about someone who is dying to work, someone as talented as yourself and being denied because of vague beaurocratic bullshit reasons. God, it makes me so mad. I’m really sorry.