Something the Fuck Or Other.
February 19th, 2008 by trancejen
I would like nothing more than to close the door on this job shit and go, “Poof! Done!”, but I am no one if not a person who cannot stop this frothing at the computer, thereby making the story of a one-week job into an ExTreEm TaEl of WoE.
Such is blogging. The next blog you read will either boast a forty-paragraph diatribe about someone’s bathroom remodel or will be a fucking epic “masterpiece” involving a toddler’s darling temper tantrum.
Sometimes I really fucking hate blogging and bloggers and blogs, if I’m being totally honest. Sometimes I think it’s all such a bunch of ridiculous crap that I would like to take this laptop and fling it like a Frisbee right through my French closet doors until it made such a satisfying crash! Then I would truly feel that I’d have conveyed the exact level of crapitude involved in the convoluted concept of “blogging as writing”.
I mean, really..
As for myself, I’m just one lonely motherfucker. I blog because the ten comments I get are truly life-affirming and make me believe that I have friends. I don’t get out much.
Blog. It fucking sounds like a gross name for a bodily function.
Whose idea was it for us all to get together and share our little hopes and dreams and feelings on the Intarweb? I am having one of those days in which I truly wonder why I do this, but like any other daily addiction, I can’t seem to stop. It’s computerist’s diarrhea. I know that no one is holding a gun to my fat little head, but good Lord, my mouse just seems to move here every time I have a thought. Hey, world, my cat took a piss on the bed today! Love me!!
It’s all so very fucking stupid. I always wonder what the non-commenters think, and this is always what comes to mind: You Are A Giant Ass.
Well, that, or: I Googled Hot Cat Ass Sex, Why Am I Getting This Shit??
I’m on some serious painkillers today, so please cut me some slack.
No, don’t. You know, this is why I practically slap myself stupid when I find myself apologizing for anything I write here. I mean, what the hell? It’s my fucking blog, after all. I think I can call it stupid if I want to.
I’m certainly not the first.
I lost my train of thought.
Yes. Blogging. Shit. Right. My blog just happens to be particularly whiny and self-involved shit. This week it is tipping the whiny and self-involved scales because the universe is determined to harsh my mellow, ie. - the job I had for one week didn’t work out for reasons determined by The Man.
I should be able to bounce back admirably from this minor defeat. After all, it’s not as if I have been working lo this seven years, is it? It is not. It’s not as if I was firmly entrenched in the job and had started to live way up there in a new income bracket, was I? No, I certainly had not.
I will, however, have to put a halt on my plans for the living room hot tub.
It’s not as if I am any worse off than I was before, am I?? No, I am not.
Today I am most certainly feeling a little worse for wear, because I am feeling as though someone rammed a railroad spike in between my vertebrae; but generally I am firmly entrenched in the same ol’ life.
You know, fuck this. I really am too stoned to write.
To blog.
This ain’t writing by a long shot.
Tune in tomorrow, when coherence will reign, and I will hopefully sound less pathetic.
Happy Tuesday.
Melinda wrote on 02/19/08 at 2:07 pm :
Dear Jen,
I’ll be blunt: You don’t know what you’re talking about. Since you asked, I’ll tell you why:
1. You are a great writer.
2. You are a hilarious writer.
3. You are a writer who writes regularly (I don’t care if you call it blogging or writing or spouting nonsense; you put words on a page in some format or another, and you do it more often than you don’t!).
These are all reasons to think you’re pretty decent at what you do, at the very least. Not pathetic. I can see why you would feel that way about your life, because of the lack of productivity, but I don’t think it’s a complete lack. You seem to be doing something right with you son. :~) And you ARE producing words, whatever the term you feel like using to describe it. It sounds like you feel whiny and lame and simpering and…lame. Do I have that about right? Well, though I understand it, I don’t agree: I check your site all the time because your writing is poignant and heartfelt and funny. I especially love the funny. And to see the humour when your situation is as difficult as yours can be is a tremendous thing. Don’t undermine that.
I’ll be coming back here tomorrow…
Love,
Melinda
For-Tart wrote on 02/19/08 at 2:19 pm :
1. Can the job (and paycheck) be put in the J-Man’s name?
2. One can never be too stoned to write.
3. You want affirmation? Pop me an email. I’ll affirm your ass off. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Nancy wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:13 pm :
Jen..
Ive been reading you for years… ever since the days you lived with D and the J-man was a preschooler.
You’ve made me laugh out loud so many times I cant count! You can take a story about the mundane things in life…cats.. fear of bugs.. kids..TranceDad breakdancing! and make it so fricking funny.
Youv’e also touched my heart with your struggles and God knows youve had a few…but underneath all of it I really identify with you..your fears, your love of your family, your body image and sometimes self destructive behaviors..I guess just your “Human Beingness”
You lay it out warts and all..not like some fakey mommy-blogger with the perfect life/house/etc
Anyway I love you for it and want you to know your blog isn’t stupid…it’s real. Keep writing!
Melanie wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:21 pm :
In your earlier post you wrote:
I have two types of medical insurance: Medicare and Medicaid. Disability and Medicare, which covers only hospitalizations, allow me to make up to six hundred dollars a month. Medicaid, which is for broke folks and is my primary insurance that covers doctor visits, prescriptions, and tests, allows me to make five hundred a month over my disability income before kicking me out of the plan. Any income I make prior to that five hundred gets soaked up into a spend down for my prescriptions (I already have a four-hundred-dollar spend down), so it makes no sense for me to work simply to put that money right back into the pharmacy anyway.
Okay, I may be talking out of my ass here but bear with me. This is assuming that whatever you make from the copywriting job would be under $500/month; if you want to bring money into the household, which is a hella respectable reason, it seems like the Man is going to screw you no matter what you do. And damn the Man anyway for fucking over anyone who doesn’t make a million a year.
However, if you’re more concerned with just doing SOMETHING that you consider useful, then even if it means the bulk of your income is going straight to the pharmacy at least you’re still doing something productive that will keep you engaged.
I dunno, hon. This situation sucks donkey balls, that’s for damn sure.
Anonymous wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:33 pm :
Where I live we have one of those local community cable channels, where people can do volunteer work. It covers all sorts of programming like a regular tv station. I feel like you’d be great at writing for one of those sorts of places. Promos, copy, anything.
It would be cool and fun, and The Man can’t stop you.
Sheryl wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:40 pm :
Jen, you dont’ suck. That’s all I can really say, cuz I’m sort of screwed up with my own particular medications today. But I really want you to know that there are many of us out hear reading, but not commenting. That doesn’t mean we think you are lame. It just means you are so amazing we don’t really know wht to say.
To face what you face and still be here “blogging” makes me suck it up too.
OK?
Lisa wrote on 02/19/08 at 4:37 pm :
I’ve been reading you since you lived with D as well and I don’t think what you write is stupid at all. It’s your life for god sakes! It’s how you feel. If you held back your feelings I wouldn’t want to read it.
Alex wrote on 02/19/08 at 4:41 pm :
That royally does suck…so you can’t make more than $100 a month? That’s ridiculous. I say we move to Canada…it can’t possibly be worse.
Laura (the live) wrote on 02/19/08 at 5:19 pm :
Jen! Yes, you’re down today–this happens. You have definitely been given a shitastic cross to bear (bare?–no, that’s not right…gah, you get the point). But, you ARE A WRITER. We are whatever the fuck we choose to do. You write–it may not be in the forum you’d like (i.e., book, magazine, whathaveyou) but you ARE A WRITER. Because that is what you do. You write. You write about your life. Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s sad. Regardless, it is wonderful. No, FANTASTIC.
Why have I, a random 25 year old chick from Canada, been reading your blog for the past 5 years? Why have I followed you from diaryland to pointlessbanter and will continue to follow your work? Why? Because you have hooked me with your writing. When I first found your blog I was immediately taken with your ability to ‘riff about the state of your life with such ease and humour…and sometimes great melancholy. I identified and continue to identify with your humanity. Jen, you are one of my favourite writers. Honestly.
So, believe yourself a writer and a damn good one. You ARE a productive member of society.
YOU ARE A WRITER.
I’m done now.
Moxie wrote on 02/19/08 at 5:20 pm :
Dear Trancie,
I have not commented to you in a longggggggg ass time because I have felt that I had nothing to offer due to my situation that just sucks any life force that I have straight out of me. My slogan has been ” Come to Moxie’s house; the place where hope goes to die”.
I read you daily because I admire the big brass balls you have and your ability to write, vent, complain, contemplate despite your situation and THAT gives me a dose of strength each day to keep on keeping on.
Jacki wrote on 02/19/08 at 7:21 pm :
I’m a non-commenter, and just so you know, my thoughts of your blog generally fall into the “dammit, I wish I could write that awesome” category.
Dannielle wrote on 02/19/08 at 9:46 pm :
As the mother of a little boy about J-man’s age with her own issues, it’s nice to read the blog of a kindred spirit who so deftly puts into words what a motherfucker life can be.
I am addicted to your blog because it is well-written honesty about a real life. The life of a loving mother who struggles against some pretty harsh obstacles while retaining her biting wit. It’s full of ups and downs, heartbreaks and happiness, silliness and swearing squirrels.
Stupid skinny actresses win Oscars playing people like you in movies. And those screenplays are rarely as good as your blog.
If you’re like me, you can’t take a compliment, but I’ll give you one anyway. I think you’re great. Your blog is cathartic for those who read it and you should let it be cathartic for yourself.
Keep the faith that your readers are pulling for you and appreciate the candidness with which you write, which never sounds like whining to me. It sounds like the very thoughts in my head I wish I could articulate.
carl wrote on 02/19/08 at 10:48 pm :
Heh, why not try charging a fee or member ship to access your blog??? I would pay to read your shit LOL worth a try…many are addicted and so would pay to get the daily trancejen fix or would that also mean the income generated would screw up your medicare? or…
anyways…as a creative writer it is always hard to write shit for others…the key is to find a way to write your own stuff/ shit for your self and get paid for it…how you do this is well…something that requires some eureka moment to arrive…give it time….still i got your sentiments totally…anyways just a few thoughts… am also full of shit LOL
Lesli wrote on 02/20/08 at 12:12 am :
Just know you’re cool because you easily write “intarweb” instead of “internet”. And even cooler because people like me have to look it up. Seriously, do a writing gig, for free or not; it’ll pay you in the warm fuzzies.
MP wrote on 02/20/08 at 12:26 am :
If you like the writing job, and the writing job likes you, would it be at all possible for you to arrange something like doing it as a VOLUNTEER (so you can still get the satisfaction of being a contributing member of society), and have the ‘non-employer’, in lieu of paying you for the service, make regular donations of the appropriate amount to X Charity on your behalf (thus doing its part, and scoring a tax write-off too)? If not, there may be other ways you could do ‘work’ without making any money. Hell, I feel like I volunteer/slave for a living, and I’m not even trying to earn nothing. It’s not really about earning actual money, is it? Good luck to you.
Nicole wrote on 02/20/08 at 12:51 am :
Yeah, I was going to suggest the volunteer writing thing too - and MP beat me to it.
There are always organizations that need people to write for them for free, and I’m sure you have links to some of them.
So, I guess it depends why you’re writing - are you writing for the pay or are you writing because you enjoy it?
I’ve been reading you for quite awhile, mostly lurking here, but I wouldn’t keep coming back if I didn’t think your writing was really good.
And as another Canadian, I also think you should move here. No hoops to jump through - once you’ve been here 3 months (maximum) you get medicare under the health act. And you can work.
Or you can just delete this comment and tell me to stuff it
Gwensarah wrote on 02/20/08 at 1:24 am :
I’ve read you for ages..you make me laugh..I’ve read certain entries to the boyfriend who then also laughs. Truth be told, there’s only two blogs I read anymore. Yours and one other, this despite being trapped indoors most of the time so personally I’m glad of your writing, whatever the topic. Jen, whether your writing makes me laugh so hard I snort pepsi through my nose or think, “yeah that’s some fucked shit right there” it’s never not worth the read.
Deirdre_70 wrote on 02/20/08 at 8:36 am :
I often find myself reading your entries and wishing I could write half as well as you do. Each morning I check out the news, my e-mail and YOU. Am I a creepy person? No, I am a part time nurse, full time housewife living in Armpittsville, Nebraska. And if you can reach me….pull me in……make me laugh and nod my head in recognition of your thoughts moods and ideas….or make me see things from an entirely new perspective….
If that isn’t writing, then I don’t know what is. So thank you! Thank you for spending a few minutes with me every morning while I drink my coffee.
lilacorchid wrote on 02/20/08 at 3:11 pm :
I have been reading since the beginning, and followed you through web address changes, site changes, etc. If I knew a gay dude to marry you, I would bring you to Canada where you can get help without worrying about insurance.
Reading your blog is a part of my regular day. I’m just too chicken shit to comment.
misha wrote on 02/21/08 at 8:39 pm :
you rock!
mirwen wrote on 02/22/08 at 8:56 am :
Hi,
I am a long time reader also (started to read your blog back at 2003)*. Since I cannot express my feelings about your blog better than Nancy, just read it again (Nancy wrote on 02/19/08 at 3:13 pm).
from Hungary (with love)
*:sounds crazy, but I read your blog like you were (better put: became) some kind of family member of mine…
Kim wrote on 02/23/08 at 11:06 am :
Add me to the list of long, long-time fans. You write so well, I’m usually too intimidated to even comment. The reason I did this time is because I got scared for a minute you might stop writing. That would be a sad sad day. You contribute more than you realize. And as far as being a good parent, I WISH members of my own family and close circle of friends were half the friggin mother you are.
kylsie wrote on 02/25/08 at 3:36 am :
I’ve been reading you for years. I just have to come back. I deeply appreciate your writing, your insights, your wit and your personality in general. I’ll read until you stop writing, Jen.