The Boob Tube and Meth Kitty.
February 20th, 2008 by trancejen
I took so many pills yesterday that Britney Spears showed up at my door and said, “Girl, you need to lay off the drugs.”
Then she ate an Adderall, kicked one of my cats, and wandered off down the street in dirty Ugg boots muttering something about being late for a custody hearing.
The neighborhood continues to go down the shitter.
I cannot manage to break the bonds of my horrible, awful addiction to bad television.
Staying at home and being largely immobile makes a person weak. At first I was making good use of my time - reading a lot of classics, cooking excellent meals for my family, and actually attempting to write a little fiction.
Eventually, though, I decided that all of these productive pursuits were cramping my depressive lifestyle and I did what every good disabled American does - I succumbed to the siren’s song of the idiot box.
I would like to say that I watch something, anything that could teach me something useful or noteworthy - the Home channel, the Learning channel, CNN; but I can’t. I’m not quite down to the level of soap operas and Montel Williams, but I’m close. I’m very close. I’m close enough to have watched Cheaters a few times, OK? I’m close enough to be basted in stupid.
I watch ignorant Lifetime movies. I watch anything and everything featured on the Bravo network, up to and including the Millionaire Matchmaker, for Christ’s sakes, a show whose bombastic primary character actually makes it appear difficult to hook pretty young gold-diggers up with millionaires.
Wow, lady, I’m sure your job is a real bitch. For your next challenge, why don’t you try to force-feed my cat some tuna fish?
I’m completely hooked on The Biggest Loser, because I will sit frozen, mouth agape, in front of anything about people trying to lose weight, even if that something is loaded with so many product plugs that it’s completely nauseating.
“Hey, Bernie! I know you’re craving some Chicago-style pizza, so let’s go have a tasty Subway sandwich accompanied by fresh steamed vegetables cooked in our Ziploc Steamfresh Bags, and then we can snack on some Trident gum, which really is as good as a cookie!!”
Good Lord.
I watch it all, though. I sit through marathons of Project Runway, whose casting directors have made it their mission to find the bitchiest, cattiest queens in fashion design to do things that they hate, like create prom dresses for Jersey girls. I love bitchy, catty queens.
At one time I was reading Proust in the TranceCave, sipping tea and staying up until three AM because I couldn’t put such a fine work of literature to rest. Now I am watching Tim Gunn and Veronica Webb root through some poor girl’s closet and telling her that everything she owns is tacky crap.
I can practically feel my brain cells jumping ship.
While all mind-numbing TV-watching is going on, the kitten, who takes meth when no one is looking, smokes up and destroys the house in a drug-crazed rampage of completely unbelievable proportions.
Something is seriously wrong with this damned kitten.
When I wake up in the morning, she is as sweet as can possibly be. She winds around my ankles, purring like an outboard motor, and meows for me to pet her. She follows me like a little puppy, much to the consternation of Elmo, who is my usual lap-cat.
However, sometime during the afternoon, she loses it/smokes the meth and becomes completely fucking evil.
She jumps on poor Elmo pro-wrestling style with all her claws out and bites her, pulling out actual mouthfuls of her long, thick fur and spitting it onto the floor while Elmo howls and hisses in pain. The she chases her around the house at top speed and continues to do this until she is sprayed with water or until Elmo jumps on top of the dining room table, where she is obviously not allowed.
Elmo is becoming the picture of a victim of post-traumatic stress, jerking her head around nervously and twitching every time she dares to sit for more than a second. My previously calm and collected cat now has the fucked-up nerves of a Vietnam vet.
The kitten knocks over all the cat food bowls - of which we have three - at least ten times per day, scattering dry food across the kitchen floor and then rolling around in it mindlessly before tearing around the rest of the house. The other cats look on from the kitchen doorway in shock.
She runs everywhere, always at full gallop. She occasionally runs into walls. This is where I believe the meth usage comes heavily into play. There is no fucking way an animal can possibly have this much energy from Purina Fucking One. The cat next door has access, if you know what I’m saying, and I’m a heavy sleeper.
I’ve tried to calm her during these crazed states, but I just get bitten. The J-Man has been bitten on the neck. We’ve all been scratched more times than we can count.
My mother hates the kitten, is always armed with the spray bottle, and calls it “that damned devil cat”. The other cats all hiss whenever it comes near.
Get it when it’s out of that strange fugue state, though, and it’s really just a sweet little kitty. Right now it’s sleeping on the sofa, cute as can be.
I blame the drugs. When I find that teeny little meth pipe, we’re going to have to have a talk.
Happy Wednesday.
Laura (the live) wrote on 02/20/08 at 5:06 pm :
Canadaland has yet to tap into the joys (and pains) of Lifetime…but I am definitely a ProjRun whore. And America’s Next Top Model (I even watched British and Australian versions). And I was once an Big Brother addict (but I, thankfully, kicked that habit). Yes, I’m permanently damaged from such exposure. *shudder*
Bad habits…very hard to break and oh so easy to slip into. Gah.
The point of this comment? You are not alone…oh god, you are definitely not alone (and I also cannot blame a lack of proper “edumacation”)…yeesh
sarabellem wrote on 02/20/08 at 8:39 pm :
Don’t ever stop writing. Seriously…you are gifted even if you are motivated. I look forward to reading every post even if its about TV! Keep it up. You should make a living writing about all that crap TV. It would be funny and popular. Seriously.
Janet wrote on 02/21/08 at 6:44 am :
“Wow, lady, I’m sure your job is a real bitch. For your next challenge, why don’t you try to force-feed my cat some tuna fish?”
OMG Jen- that cracked me up this morning.
Hostrauser wrote on 02/21/08 at 11:46 am :
Cheaters is the greatest show ever to have existed. I mean, the host GOT STABBED ON CAMERA one episode. How much better can TV get?
YouTube has everything
melissa wrote on 02/21/08 at 12:44 pm :
I’d like to request some pictures of the meth kitty. :p
me wrote on 02/26/08 at 10:39 am :
I got my cat at 8 months old and she acted the same way. She is 10 years old now and still bites on occasion and runs around the house crazy. We discovered that part of it is that she is bored. We gave her a bunch of toys and crap to chase and it calmed her down alot.
You are nuts wrote on 03/27/08 at 3:48 pm :
NO WONDER YOUR CAT IS ACTING BIZARRE, YOU ARE EVIL
MY POOR KITTEN IS ATTACKING ME FOR NO REASON…
I THINK PEOPLE THAT ABUSE THE HELPLESS ANIMALS
OUGHT TO BE PUT OUT OF THEIR MISERY
misha wrote on 03/27/08 at 11:02 pm :
i have no idea what to make of the above commenter…i dont see or get a joke there but i also just cant see how someone can be so stupid AND ignorant AND mean