Carbs, Carbs, Carbs, I Am Boring.
February 26th, 2008 by trancejen
I’m convinced that my printer is either an alien that has been sent down from space to capture information about the typical American family (boy, they fucked that mission up royally) or is possessed by the devil; because it keeps running and making odd noises and blooping and bleeping at strange, non-sequential times. The shit is not even plugged into a USB port, and it is scaring me.
I will not go near its evil little corner, but the cats seem to understand its creepy language and will go and sit in front of it and stare unblinkingly when it starts to go off, entranced by its foul plastic noise, making the whole experience even more eerie.
Something bad is afoot with that fucking printer, mark my words. It is releasing carbon monoxide or recording my most evil inner thoughts or something.
In other news, so far I have lost seven pounds while seriously low-carbing. I’m sure you are all thrilled. I have lost and gained the same seven pounds so many times that these particular seven pounds come with matching luggage and travel amenities.
Still, I am happy about my seven pounds. I am “doing Atkins”, although I am loathe to say it. I spent years working in offices where women never shut up about doing fucking Atkins, as if the late great Robert Atkins was in a closet and all the office fraus were taking turns having their respective ways with him.
One gets mighty sick of hearing about carbs. I had reached the point in which I wanted to shove a doughnut into each of their gaping maws and be done with it.
I desperately try not to be one of those people, but it’s hard, especially at this point in the diet, when my carbohydrate intake has to be at less than twenty grams per day. That’s not many grams, so basically I am eating a diet of eggs, cheese, and meat. Before I put anything in my mouth, I consult a little book in order to find out how many carbs it contains. The little book is fabulous. It has calorie, fat, and carb information for every fucking food you could possibly imagine.
Unfortunately this has led me to develop an insatiable curiosity regarding the carbohydrate content of everyone else’s food, fast food, restaurant food, food I ate last year, food I might have eaten, and food the person at the next table is eating.
I have become the most annoying person on the planet.
“Hey Mom, do you know that you’re eating sixty-five carbs right now? Sixty-five!!”
“Mmm-hm.”
“And he’s eating, let me see - that juice has forty!”
“Mmm-hm.”
“Forty! The sugar!”
“Mmm-hm.”
“And those chips, those chips have eighty-two!”
“Mmm-hm.”
I do this all day, every day. This is the seventh day. I am completely astonished by how many carbohydrates I have been eating. I was eating nothing but cereal. Cereal is the devil.
Now I am eating enough eggs to populate an entire planet of chickens.
“I am so sick of cooking eggs.”
“Make them in the microwave.”
“You can make eggs in the microwave??”
“Sure.”
This just goes to show you that I am stupid and will believe anything.
I have never killed a man. Therefore I have never done hard time and accordingly have never eaten prison food, but I am quite sure that the grey-bottomed, vile clump of egg-vague nastiness that resulted is exactly the type of swill that is served in the big house.
The cats loved it, though.
I have never been much of a meat person. I was a vegetarian for quite a long time, and even after I went back on meat I ate it in limited amounts, only going on small meat binges in which I would eat steak or chicken, never pork, only to find that it made me overly full and sort of sick, really.
Now I am sucking down meat like a linebacker, eating lunch meat by itself with mustard, ravenously wolfing down burgers with no buns, gnawing on whole chickens like I’m Ozzy fucking Osbourne or some shit.
It’s sort of disgusting, really, but it’s working.
Hopefully it will continue to work and I will reach my goal of zero gravity by summer, nothing but pure bones and teeth clacking, screaming and throwing potatoes at Nicole Richie, “Hey, Fatty, have some more carbs, you Mack truck!!”
I kid.
Happy Tuesday.
maddy wrote on 02/26/08 at 11:30 am :
When I was ‘doing Atkins’ I found a recipe that I liked for a while. Scramble up an egg or two in a bowl with 1/2 a packet of splenda, then put a tablespoon of cream cheese in it. Nuke it ’til the egg is cooked. Tastes just like a cheese danish. Sounds gross, but try it!
For-Tart wrote on 02/26/08 at 12:36 pm :
You have inspired me to craft a joke with the punchline: “No, I’m doing MRS. Atkins”.
Thanks, you skinny loveable chica.
Brenda wrote on 02/26/08 at 3:21 pm :
Are you kidding? Eggs in the microwave are amazing! They are like little mini omelettes in a fraction of the time. Maybe you’re just not using enough ketchup.
sooboo wrote on 02/26/08 at 3:39 pm :
Dude, you get to eat all the cheese you want. You know how many kinds of wonderful wonderful cheeses there are out there? Man, I want to do Atkins for the cheese. Can you tell I love cheese? Cheese!
misha wrote on 02/26/08 at 5:38 pm :
it works. I lost 20-30 lbs 4 years ago and have kept it off since!!! YAY!!!! Good luck
fredlet wrote on 02/26/08 at 6:56 pm :
the fun thing is other people’s expressions as you eat a steak. Its like they’ve never watched lions devour a zebra… oh come on.
val wrote on 02/26/08 at 9:22 pm :
just don’t put an egg in the microwave… shell and all. ask my sister, sheila, what happens when you do this and then try to crack the damn thing as soon as it is removed from the zapper. maybe you remember the story? anyway, my sister’s eyesight gets worse every year because of her accident. she was nine, so i can’t blame her blonde moments this time, but we do blame dwight because he was babysitting; i had already married and moved out (thank the good lord above!).
Trance wrote on 02/27/08 at 10:23 am :
My stepbrother used to blow up eggs in the microwave for shits and grins. He was a fun child. And yeah, Val, I do remember that - not her best moment!
Hey Maddy - I tried that cheese danish thing yesterday, only I put a whole packet of Splenda in it and also mixed some cinnamon and nutmeg in with the egg, and it was super good!!! Thanks for the idea!
melissa wrote on 02/27/08 at 11:34 am :
Hehe, the thought of someone calling Nicole Richie a fattie makes me smile.
maddy wrote on 02/27/08 at 11:37 am :
Glad you liked it! I was so desperate for a different taste by the time I came across that recipe that it was manna from heaven when I tasted it! LOL! I’ll try to find some of the other recipes that I used. Atkins is the only diet that ever worked for me, mainly I think because all that protein gave me so much energy that I worked out every day. I lost 60 lbs, and I’ve gained a lot back, but not all of it. I have to start it again.
Missicat wrote on 02/27/08 at 1:12 pm :
I am on the Atkins diet right now also. *sigh* I want bread and potatoes so bad I can cry…*sob*
Stephanie wrote on 02/29/08 at 6:02 am :
When I was on the Atkins diet, I used to dream about apples, strangely enough. Anyway, after I dropped a quick 7 lbs. the first week, I hit a brick wall. Despite sticking with the diet for a month, I didn’t lose anything else. Scarsdale is the one that did the trick for me. Good luck!
Jonn wrote on 03/28/08 at 3:37 pm :
I used to do that. Back when I was eight. Always ahead of the curve.