Help.
February 28th, 2008 by trancejen
I have had a migraine for three days.
I am going to detach my head, hollow it out, and place a candle inside. Then I’m going to put it on the front porch steps. Jen-O’-Lanterns will become extremely popular, as will the holiday of Jenoween, during which schoolchildren all over the world will bleach their hair and roam their neighborhoods dressed in Old Navy pajama pants and oversized t-shirts begging for Vicodin and menthol cigarettes.
I am going to take my massively aching head and RAM it INTO a WALL SEVERAL TIMES because honestly, the outside pain would feel better than the inside pain.
I am going to take a hammer and smash my foot. Same principle. If someone else were here I might smash their foot. Different principle.
I am going to insert a crack pipe in my ear and pay a crack whore fi’-dolla’ to suck the migraine out.
I am going to smoke and smoke and smoke.
Oh, wait.
I am going to pull out all of my hair and knit a small blonde cat toy.
I am going to pull my eyeballs from their sockets and knock out a wall due to the pressure that will be released. Then I am going to remodel the kitchen. My mother will come home from work to an entirely new kitchen and say, “Dear God, it is beautiful - thank heavens you had that migraine!”
I am going to count the little stars that are appearing before my eyes. Then I am going to map out all of the constellations.
I am going to peel all of my skin off and then tape it back on with Scotch tape.
I am going to take the next cat that comes within a five-foot radius of me and thread it through the mini-blinds. Then I am going to take a series of artistic black and white photos which I will send to PETA.
I am going to remove my head. Then, making sure it has a happy, smiling expression, I am going to set it on the top shelf of the refrigerator, next to the milk. Hi, Mom! How was your day?
I need more drugs.
God, I need more drugs.
Laura (the live) wrote on 02/28/08 at 2:47 pm :
Ack! You need anti-inflammatories STAT. Fuck the pain killers, you need to relieve the inflammation (which will take away the pain).
Oh Jen….I’m sending “Fuck off migraine” vibes your way.
((((HUG)))))
Joan wrote on 02/28/08 at 3:01 pm :
“Knit a small blonde cat toy”… fuck, I almost peed my pantaloons. It’s not often I leave your blog without a smile on my face. I’m not laughing at your headache, I’m laughing with it.
Joan wrote on 02/28/08 at 3:04 pm :
Oops, I linked someone else’s website to my name.
cristy wrote on 02/28/08 at 8:58 pm :
I totally know the feeling! I get migraines, too. When I get them that bad only a demerol shot & a relpax will work. And it has to be the combination of the two, not one or the other.
Anoony wrote on 02/29/08 at 9:06 am :
You probably know all the deets about migraines, but there might be something new and helpful here, regarding gentle treatments:
http://www.headacheaustralia.org.au/types_of_headache/migraine
Miche wrote on 02/29/08 at 9:22 am :
migraine + Zomig = relief for me. Hope you`re feeling better soon.
Amy wrote on 02/29/08 at 9:47 am :
I know just what you mean about the stars. Is there any way that you can get to an Urgent Care place today? (also known as “doc in a box”) They can be less traumatic, and kinder, than an E.R. would be. Please have a neighbor or friend drive you there — 3 days of pain is way too long and could even be dangerous. You really need an IV or a shot, so you can feel better and get some rest.
misha wrote on 02/29/08 at 2:54 pm :
Damn that really fucking sucks. I remember wishing I could take off my head many a time.
Julie wrote on 03/1/08 at 2:24 pm :
I missed you, Jen. (seems strange, considering we have never met)but I just treated myself to a new toy, a laptop, which I am digging the fuck outta. (thank you, Social Security Administration for FINALLY, after 4 years of appeals, FINALLY admitted fibromyalgia is NOT “all in my head”, but WOW! is all over my aching, strangely unfamiliar to me, body). Praise God and praise the “dinosaur” judge, as my attorney cracked me up by referring to him!—(yes, attorneys HAVE senses of humor).
Hope to be hearing from you alot, via reading your hysterical and sometimes saddening posts.
k wrote on 03/1/08 at 3:45 pm :
I used to be a NP, long long ago…. makes me feel completley ancient, or like one of those people who says, “Wow, they just grow up so fast…” or, “I remember when I used to hike uphill both ways to school in 13 feet of snow, ” or,”Myrtle and I were at the sewing circle yesterday and….” Nevertheless, I can say that there is a medication to dampen the unceasing scratching-out-your-eyeballs pain associated with migranes…. it actually helps mid-migrane… Maxalt, its a disolvable tablet that comes in several different doses… The good news is, you don’t have to take it pre-migrane and you can go on without blacking out all sunlight and noise from your proxemity… Just thought I’d share that bit of info;)
Poppy wrote on 03/3/08 at 4:10 pm :
Is it (the migraine) gone yet? I miss your posts!
Julie wrote on 03/8/08 at 11:16 am :
Oh, and, the “inserting a crack pipe in your ear and paying a crack ho fi-dolla” cracked me the fuck up!
Kim wrote on 04/4/08 at 11:51 am :
I have never posted on anyone’s journal or blog before, but I just wanted you to know that I panicked slightly when your site was down the last couple of days. I hope all is well with you, and that things are getting better. For what it’s worth, you crack my sh*t up on a regular basis — the Meth Kitty stories in particular have really been entertaining. One night I woke up and was unable to get back to sleep, so I started paging through old entries, and was laughing — nay, GUFFAWING — out loud for 5-10 minutes straight over some of Meth Kitty’s antics and the way you captured them in print. You are a very talented woman, with a real gift for words. Just wanted you to know that you have brightened many of my days considerably, just for being here. Thank you!
Take care,
Kim