Losing Control.
March 21st, 2008 by trancejen
I’ve been debating about what I would say, you know; whether I would post some amusing yet inane story about going out, which I do approximately once every month or two after hauling my body out of the sizeable dent in the sofa, or whether I would post the real deal.
I guess today you’re getting the real deal.
Things are not good. I’ve been experiencing numbness in my face and hands for a while now but it’s been getting severe and accompanied by a weird painful tingling. This is something I can live with, but I guess the hand thing indicates trauma to the slipped discs in my neck from frequent falling that might require surgery. I’m having an MRI on my neck next week to find out more. The numbness in my face is a little more serious and my neurologist has ordered a brain MRI this week and a spinal tap pending the results.
I’ve also been losing control of my bladder and bowels, particularly when I fall. I guess no matter how politely you say you’re shitting yourself, you’re shitting yourself even more if you think it sounds polite. I am so embarrassed and disgusted by this that I can’t even begin to express it. And the fact that my son has seen this…
… I don’t have the words.
I do a couple of shots of Immodium if I plan to go anywhere. The other day I had a spinal epidural injection and all I could do was lie there and bite my tongue, praying I would not shit myself on the table while the handsome doctor lodged a fucking needle in my lower back.
This is unreal. This, me, who used to fucking pray, scream, cry and go to extreme measures to be able to take a shit.
I feel like I am living a nightmare.
Time is passing quickly, oddly enough. There hardly seems to be enough time to sit and while the day away watching endless Law and Order reruns. I blink and an hour is gone.
At night I think about suicide. I think about the bottles and bottles of pills I have at my disposal, but then I think about the shrink’s warnings that most people that OD end up brain damaged. I think about the razor blades in the box under the bed, but then I think about my mother finding a mattress soaked in blood.
I think about Jadon and what his life would be like. I think perhaps he would be pretty fucked up. I think perhaps he’s pretty fucked up now, watching his mother seize and piss herself on the floor. I think that I don’t fucking know which is worse.
I am so scared right now. I am so fucked up.
I am so lost in this. I am so terribly lost, and nobody can find me.
Jae wrote on 03/21/08 at 11:54 am :
Oh, dear. Words are just too limiting at times like this…but I wanted to step out of the shadows of LurkLand and take hold off your hand for a moment.
And hide all your pills.
Take care,
Jae
Cruel Irony wrote on 03/21/08 at 11:54 am :
Oh Jen, I’m so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse. Please know that you’re in my heart, thoughts and prayers.
mary ann wrote on 03/21/08 at 12:15 pm :
You’re in my thoughts.
My father had the surgery on his neck where they effectively decapitated him and replaced his existing bones/discs with ones from a cadavar. It went wonderfully, and his quality of life improved immeasurably.
Laura wrote on 03/21/08 at 12:32 pm :
Jen, you are in my thoughts.
misha wrote on 03/21/08 at 1:07 pm :
I am sending a giant cross-country (((HUG)))
Michelle wrote on 03/21/08 at 1:19 pm :
Jen, I will be keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. I am so sorry that you are having such a painful time now. I’ve been in that black hole, that soul sucking depression from endless illness, pain, and Dr’s who don’t know what to do - you have too. And you made it out before and you WILL again. Cause even though it only seems like a tiny speck of you right now - you are still the same fellow smart-ass, intelligent bitch we love who keeps on going. Much love!!!!!
Alana wrote on 03/21/08 at 1:40 pm :
Jen I wanna hug you if I could… all the comforting thoughts I send to you through the computer machine.
I know it must be scary for the changes and for J to see you with them… hold on.
lap wrote on 03/21/08 at 1:47 pm :
What a fucked up journey life is almost all the time, huh? I will be thinking of you, and hoping that the outlook gets better, and any answers you get bring a better conclusion.
goatbarnwitch wrote on 03/21/08 at 2:25 pm :
Jen, I am so sorry and sad that you are going thru still more crap. There are no words really but do know I am holding you in my thoughts and wishing only for solutions and a better future for you and your family.
sooboo wrote on 03/21/08 at 2:46 pm :
I am so sorry to hear this. I am sending all the good karma and light your way. Please try to hang in there. The Jman is better off having you here than not.
lisa-marie wrote on 03/21/08 at 3:01 pm :
Oh, God, Jen I’m so sorry to hear this! I wish I could do something for you, but all I can do is pray for you. Which I do. Often.
Ter wrote on 03/21/08 at 5:01 pm :
::Hugs:: They always say it’s darkest before dawn, mayhaps that’s what’s going on now. Thinking a/b you and your family lots and sending good cheer vibes your way.
John in Phoenix wrote on 03/21/08 at 6:04 pm :
Heya beautiful Jen o’ mine -
Ahh the black days have descended upon you once again…I am so sorry that you are going through such a rotten time in your life right now. I have thought several times about picking up the phone to call you, but I also know that the last thing you need is someone horning in and making matters worse for you. Just know that I am thinking about you and sending positive thoughts and feelings to you all thoughout the day and evening my friend!
I’m also wondering if one or more of your medications is causing the neuropathy in your extremities. I bring this up because I was taking a medication for restless leg syndrome and one of the side-effects was neuropathy of the hands and feet. I immediately stopped taking the damn drug and the feeling came back in a matter of days. Just a thought anyway.
Hang tight sweetie - it will get better I PROMISE you that.
- John in Phoenix
Buford Outlaw wrote on 03/21/08 at 6:32 pm :
Sending well wishes towards you…
karla wrote on 03/21/08 at 7:09 pm :
I wish I has some superintellient, here this will fix it words but I don’t. I do know what its like to be severely depressed. I was on the verge of suicide just months ago until my sister intervened and made me get a depression screening. I know you are on a lot of medication from keeping up, but I havent been keeping up as much lately, but I urge you to see someone and if you are already on medication for depression talk to your dr about changing it. Im sorry if I sound like a know it all or if im preaching, but you are soo worth it. The world is a much cooler place with you in it. Much Love.
carl wrote on 03/21/08 at 10:15 pm :
Be kind to yourself dear.
I feel sad to hear you are having a tough time.
Don’t pay any attention to your negative thoughts. Kiss them and let them go.
Take care.
Emma wrote on 03/22/08 at 10:24 am :
Jen, you will find yourself. J is lucky to have a mother who handles herself with such honesty and courage and dignity- yes, dignity. When he is old enough to understand what you are going through, he will look at you and be proud that you are his mother. I would be proud. We have all watched him grow up on this page and we can see the kind of man he is becoming- so much life and energy and spirit and decency. Find strength in him and keep going, Jen.
Val wrote on 03/22/08 at 3:26 pm :
JEN!!! WHY DON’T YOU CALL ME?! I’M HERE IF YOU NEED ME!!!! I WANNA CRY WHEN I READ YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT ENDING YOUR LIFE AT THE SLICE OF A RAZOR BLADE OR THE POP OF A PILL. YOU KNOW THAT ISN’T THE CURE FOR YOUR PROBLEMS, RIGHT? IT WILL ONLY CREATE MORE WHEN YOUR GONE. IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO HELP YOU, I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU. JUST SAY THE WORD.
L. wrote on 03/22/08 at 6:37 pm :
I know plenty of people who have had a few kids and can’t laugh or cough without literally peeing their pants. No biggie. One day I had some kind of flu or something, and a big, liquid shit burst forth from my ass without any warning while I was in a store. I had to ask where a bathroom was, and then take off my pants and stand there naked from the waist down to wash them off in the sink. Then, with a wet ass, I had to wander around the store to find my boyfriend. He bought a newspaper - for me to sit on in the car. heh.
Michelle wrote on 03/22/08 at 7:57 pm :
As terrified as I am to come out of lurkerdom, the need to say this to you now is greater.
Your strength, grace, spirit and sense of humour in the face of such horrible medical issues has often astounded and amazed me while giving me pause to re-evaluate my own medical issues which also remain currently unsolved. You’ve changed my life for the better by being so honest about your own life and I forever thank you for it.
Sending you all of my love, devotion, admiration and positive energy -
Your cyberfriend Michelle xox
Lesli wrote on 03/22/08 at 11:50 pm :
I know you’ve most likely done this, but do it again: think about what you like and love in this life…your son, for starters, a smoke in the morning perhaps?, coffee, blogging, music, etc. How many of those things would you be able to enjoy if you weren’t around? Yeah, none. It’s one life, it’s yours, right now a lot of it sucks, but not all. Ending your life would get rid of the bad…but you wouldn’t be left with the good, you’d be left with nothing.
Keep on going. You’ll work it out, and be that much stronger for it.
And, as you’ve heard in one comment above, people mess themselves for a multitude of reasons. So what? If I ever met you I’d take a crap in my pants for ya if you wanted…didn’t you ever read “Everyone Poops”?
Christine wrote on 03/22/08 at 11:53 pm :
I wish I could say something that would convey how much I hope you feel better. Or how strongly I believe that you’ll get past all of this. Your son is fortunate to have such a talented and fun-loving and funny mother. Hugs to you.
Stephanie wrote on 03/23/08 at 7:46 am :
I don’t know what to say except I’m so sad for you.
Bozoette Mary wrote on 03/23/08 at 9:54 am :
I’m so sorry to hear this, Jen. I’m holding you in my heart.
maddy wrote on 03/23/08 at 12:28 pm :
I’m out here, reading you as always. And hoping beyond hope that you are able to see your way through this. Just a thought - maybe the new diet isn’t ageeing with your system and the meds you’re on. Maybe the imbalance of protein vs. (Good) carbs and the vitamins and minerals they contain is contributing to the problems. You’ve probably already thought of that, but I didn’t want to not post it in the event that maybe you overlooked the possibility that it’s a factor. Good thoughts, Jen. Feel ‘em coming from me to you!
True wrote on 03/23/08 at 1:28 pm :
I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help, but all I can do is keep you in my thoughts and hope you come out of this all right. You are a strong person and a terrific mother and the world is better off with you in it.
Sheryl wrote on 03/23/08 at 4:29 pm :
Jen,
I’ll add my voice to the chorus of “We love you’s.” I so admire your strength and humor in the face of all the medical bs that has taken over your life. Please tell yourself, “It’s not me it’s the meds.” And then get the docs to change the meds. And please remember there are lots of us out here on the intarweb that care about you and want you better.
Jas wrote on 03/23/08 at 9:08 pm :
I’m sorry this is happening to you, and I’m keeping you in my thoughts. And, speaking from experience, I can guarantee that J would rather have a sick mother than no mother at all.
Shawn wrote on 03/23/08 at 11:02 pm :
Jen, I wish there was so much more that I could do for you during this difficult time, but please know that you are very much in my thoughts.
Take good and gentle care of yourself, you hear? This world is a much more awesome place with you in it, for J. and all of the people who love and care about you.
fredlet wrote on 03/24/08 at 1:27 am :
Here’s where I am useless. I don’t know the right words to say, but just know that more people need you in the world than you can imagine.
Also, in true stealth fredlet fashion, if you need me I’ll be there for you.
dichroic wrote on 03/24/08 at 6:24 am :
I have nothing useful to suggest, but want to join in the chorus: we’re here, we’re listening to you, we care and are thinking of you.
(Sort of like Horton Has a Who Fan Club, I guess.)
lilacorchid wrote on 03/24/08 at 8:36 am :
Please hang on Jen. The internet (and your own personal IRL) will be at a loss without you.
Thank you for blogging about this. You give a voice to the others who suffer quietly.
Julie wrote on 03/24/08 at 9:51 am :
Jen:
You are truly in my prayers. I suffer from pain constantly and numerous other medical maladies….but you have a son who is counting on you to BE THERE when he has his first date, when he goes to Homecoming, when he goes to college, when he gets married…..you GET the picture, right?
Easy for me to say, but hang in there. You have to……………..
Email me if you ever are down and need a friend who can co-miserate…..I mean it.
XOXOX
Julie.
Alex wrote on 03/24/08 at 10:03 am :
Hugs…
misha wrote on 03/24/08 at 12:38 pm :
i am subscribed to your comments via RSS b/c none of your other links work…
so there are large women shucking large feathery cocks. EVERYWHERE! And they are gambling at large women shucking dot com. Really I swear. They are even nekkid. Seriously…hmmm intentional spam meant to make large (in height) women smile. Especially if they are shucking large feather cocks while nekkid. Are there chickens wandering Chicago? Cuz they wander all over Miami. Kinda neat to have urban poultry.
Karen wrote on 03/24/08 at 1:18 pm :
Jen - you mention that you worry about the effect this is having on the J. If he’s the wise young man you’ve described, the effect it’s going to have is this: He’s going to grow up knowing his mom is stronger than most people should ever have to be, and he’ll be proud and lucky to have those genes running through him too.
For-Tart wrote on 03/24/08 at 2:36 pm :
I had neck surgery and have cadaver bone in place. Feel like a new person now. Don’t give up, modern medicine can work.
kelly wrote on 03/24/08 at 10:24 pm :
i’m glad you said something, jen. i’m thinking about you.
G (lonelywife) wrote on 03/24/08 at 11:41 pm :
jen. i have so few words that will “mean” anything to you. i read your diary. i pray for you. i pray for your son. your son loves you. the fact that he sees you have problems is not going to harm him. he LOVES you. he always will, no matter what. i wish you didn’t have the feelings about suicide. and i know that you know that this isn’t the right thing to do. if you need me, i would love to talk. i will try my best to be encouraging. i may cry with you. whatever happens, i will remain your (cyber) friend. please, please contact me if you need me…. iamlonelywife@hotmail.com. i will check this email for the next few days. email me if you’d like. i will continue to keep you and your son (and your family) in my prayers. stay strong, jen.
tashina wrote on 03/25/08 at 12:05 pm :
saw this and thought of you:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/25/health/views/25case.html
Siena wrote on 03/25/08 at 3:40 pm :
We can’t do much, but we’re here and we care about you. Hang on.
kylsie wrote on 03/26/08 at 3:23 am :
Just wanted to add to the loving voices, can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. I earnestly hope things get better for you.
heather wrote on 03/26/08 at 4:23 pm :
A lurker is thinking of you and sending energy of good health and peace.
Paula G From Indiana wrote on 03/26/08 at 11:26 pm :
Another lurker stepping out to hug you….I’m so sorry you are having such a “crappy” time, literally. Hang on Jen, your family and friends love you and need you. Maybe this will make you smile…last October we were in Gettysburg, PA. A group of us had eaten in a tavern in the middle of town. We then wandered into an antique store next door and when we came out I couldn’t find my hubby. I beeped him on my nextel, and he said he was right around the corner. Well a couple of weeks after we got home, I found out where he was…he thought he had to fart and shit his pants. He went into an alley and stepped into a former doorway, took off his shoes, and his jeans. Took off his shitty pants and then left them there in the alley. I sometimes wonder if anybody found them or if some dog dragged them out to the street.
Pam wrote on 03/30/08 at 5:45 pm :
Jen, I hope everything is okay. My family’s thoughts are with you. Stay strong!
Carol Elaine wrote on 03/31/08 at 8:05 pm :
Jen, a semi-lurker is coming out of the mists to give you her words of support and concern. I only met you the one weekend, during JournalCon 2005, but I think of you often and read your words frequently. I don’t know if there’s anything I can say or do, but I’m here to offer what little help I can.
Stick around, Jen. Stick around for the people who love you and who will do whatever they can to let you know how much they love you and how much you mean to them.
John in Phoenix wrote on 03/31/08 at 8:54 pm :
Jenn-ee-fahr…
Heya lady o’ mine. You need to let us know that you are alright sweetie. A simple “Fuck off !” would suffice. Whatever is going on Jen - you got a lotta peoples out here that think the world of you and any one of us would jump at the chance to help. Let us know..OK?
*Hug and a big ol’ sloppy kiss*
- John in Phoenix
Sheryl wrote on 04/4/08 at 11:02 am :
Jen -
I’m checking every day and hoping for a word from you. Just a word. Any old word would do. When your site was down yesterday, I started to think “What a great hole it would leave in my heart if Jen just plain disappeared and I never even knew what happened.” Even though you don’t have a clue who I am, I wanted you to know that I am worried about you and hope you are doing ok.
Miche wrote on 04/4/08 at 11:45 am :
I had that sinking feeling Sheryl described too when I could`t access your page for the last couple of days. I hope you`re okay and can update us soon. We miss you Jen.
Angelena wrote on 04/4/08 at 12:17 pm :
I hope your ok……
Please let us know….
BS wrote on 04/4/08 at 2:43 pm :
Hey all - the boyfriend here.
Jen is enduring an upswing in symptoms and is simply not of a humor to write thing one.
I’m sure she will come up with something soon, especially if she gets some new meds or has important news. In the meantime, think happy thoughts. Jen appreciates your good mojo but is somewhat distracted for the time being.
I’m just letting you know that the worst hasn’t happenned, so relax.
Christine wrote on 04/4/08 at 2:55 pm :
Thanks for the update, BS. Sending Jen positive thoughts and hugs…
sethra wrote on 04/4/08 at 4:22 pm :
Please be okay. We all miss you terribly.
Thanks for letting us know she’s still with us, BS.
karla wrote on 04/4/08 at 4:54 pm :
Im glad shes ok. Still thinking of you Jen.
Sheryl wrote on 04/4/08 at 7:40 pm :
Yes, BS thank you for filling us in. Happy thoughts coming your way ~~~~~~
kat wrote on 04/5/08 at 5:15 pm :
Thanks for the update, BS! Funny how attached we get to our internet ‘friends.’ It’s weird, but I’ve been terribly concerned about a person I don’t know and will never meet. Having shared so much of her life, she feels like family…or at least a very close friend.
Sending peaceful, healing thoughts your way, Jen!
Emma wrote on 04/6/08 at 10:06 am :
Thanks for thinking of us BS. Thinking happy thoughts for you both. x
Jovi wrote on 04/6/08 at 4:09 pm :
Big hug, you will be in my thoughts, dear Jen! I wish you lots of strength, you are my hero. I hope you’ll feel much better soon. I’m sure that what makes life worth living are those little moments of joy and you will have those with your son and family. The sum total of those moments are the essence of life. This planet is worth living on as long as there are people like you here.
Jovi wrote on 04/6/08 at 4:20 pm :
Oh, and of course moments of joy with your loving BS
Rooting for you!
Amanda Roberts wrote on 04/6/08 at 8:30 pm :
You’ll be in my thoughts. Have faith that things will get better. As for your son, the child of an ill parent myself, I know how messed up seeing your parent hurting can be. I also know that having a parent is better than not having one. Stay tight for him and he will thank you for it later, regardless if you piss yourself or not.
Brenda wrote on 04/7/08 at 2:12 am :
just wanted to say that i am thinking of you. you’re as tough as they come. don’t forget that.
Melanie wrote on 04/7/08 at 6:03 am :
Thanks for the update, BS. Jen, I don’t know what I can say that would be of any frigging use, other than you are one fucking amazing woman. Please try and hang in there — the J-Man is proud of you, I know it.
Kungfukitten wrote on 04/9/08 at 6:15 am :
Oh honey, your entry made me cry. I’m so glad to see that you’re kick boxing now and taking control of your life. One of my best friends snapped a disk in her neck making mash potatoes for Thanksgiving and had surgery and was back to work within 4 weeks. While, I realize you probably have more disc damage, I’m sure you will rebound just as fast if you have to have surgery so don’t be super duper scared if they recommend that. If you ever want to rant on the phone I’ll give you my number. I have unlimited minutes and a big heart. You can reach me best at kungfukitten At gmail. XOXO
anne wrote on 04/11/08 at 11:59 am :
Oh, Jen. I’m a total stranger, and I am writing to you a few weeks after you actually wrote this…. but still, I have to reply.
I am so, so very sorry, first of all. I wish I could fix everything, all of it. Which is something I know you have already wished for well and plentifully.
Mostly, though, I want to say - your son is so fortunate to have you as a mom. You are funny, intelligent, thoughtful, irreverent, and kind, from what I’ve seen here. The stupid physical stuff you have to deal with might be a little hard for him, but probably not nearly as much as you think, and to lose you? That would be a real tragedy - to him, your mom, your friends and loved ones, and to us.
I cannot imagine, really, the kind of crap you have had to live with in your life in terms of physical health. I have, however, been down the suicide path (clearly not to completion!), so I do understand to some extent how that feels. From that perspective, let me tell you that the world would miss you. I would miss you. You don’t know me, but you can write to me anytime - small help, but sometimes it’s good to know that strangers care.
Best to you, and I’m sorry I saw this entry of yours so late.
cianne wrote on 04/20/08 at 11:45 pm :
this is going to come off completely strange, there’s no way around it, but here you go. i’ve been lurking about since back at diaryland, and i don’t make it over here very often, but i do come by every once in a while to see what you’re up to and have a chuckle. your whole medical situation just sort of boggles my mind, so i guess it sticks with me. anyway, i was reading the journal of someone whose been diagnosed with something called a chiari (?) malformation, and the symptoms sound familiar to what i’ve read about in your journal over the years. it also says it’s frequently misdiagnosed, for what that’s worth. i thought i’d come by and mention it, just in case you hadn’t looked into it, and this entry seemed a perfect place to put it even though it’s a bit older. i only read a brief synopsis of it, but two of the symptoms were loss of bladder and bowel control and numbness in the hands (may have been arms?), so, errr, very coincidental?
so there you go, there’s your strange medical advice from a random journal lurker. =) i feel totally weird now.
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