Bamzu Is a Virus.
April 15th, 2008 by trancejen
I have watched enough bad late-night television that I have started to become convinced that I actually need the products advertised on infomercials.
Sleep-Number Bed? Oh, yeah!! I fucking fantasize about turning the little dial on that glorified air mattress and snoozing my way to a better back, and I have actually become downright paranoid about the fact that my Old Ineffective (because even as we sleep we are supposed to be effective) Innerspring Mattress is KILLING me with added pressure points.
Don’t even get me started on the Tempurpedic. I have come very close to ordering free thirty-day trials of the Tempurpedic mattress under the name of every person I know to be delivered to this address, thereby ensuring at least a few years worth of gooshy mattress delight for the entire family.
I actually ordered a Ped Egg, a little device designed to scrape calloused skin from the bottom of the feet. It arrived in a few weeks, egg-shaped and innocuous-looking in a small box, and I thought, cute. Then I opened the thing up and saw that the bottom was covered in tiny razored fangs.
Being the ignorant sort of extremist person that I am, I thought that this was perfect and indicative of a superior product. This is going to work fucking great!
I was not wrong, as it turns out. It does work great. It removes the calloused skin with ease. However, the product is probably meant for a non-ignorant-extremist-person who will not use it with the force of a thousand angry men.
My feet have still not quite recovered.
The Bible is now available on DVD, for those devout and holy families who wish to worship all high-tech-like. I don’t know who is the featured reader, but it should be James Earl Jones, or me. I sound a little like James Earl Jones before I’ve had any coffee. Luke I am your fatherrr. And the glory of the Lord shone uponnnnn them.
James Earl Jones. Who else could it be, really?
One person whose voice I cannot quite deal with is Billy Mays, he of Orange Glo, of Mighty Putty, of Oxy Clean and Kaboom! - that dude is about as grating as Gilbert Gottfried on meth.
HEY, BILLY MAYS HERE! WATCH HOW I PULL THIS ENTIRE TRACTOR TRAILER FULL OF THE TWENTY-FIVE DIFFERENT CLEANSERS I HAWK WITH A PAPER CLIP AND THIS STICK OF MIGHTY PUTTY!! HA HA! YES!! I HAVE SOLD MY SOUL!! I’M SNORTING HIGH-GRADE CRANK OFF OF ORANGE-GLO-POLISHED MARBLE NOW, BUT I’LL BE GARGLING KABOOM! IN HELL!! IN HELL!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I imagine him to be quite sad in real life, when he’s not tweaking.
But then maybe I have an overactive imagination.
Happy Tuesday. What would you buy from the TV?
victoria wrote on 04/15/08 at 1:20 pm :
Hey Jen, long time no talk! I am posting because my assvice compulsion won’t let me pass up the chance to give you some boring, unslicited recipe advice. You CAN make really delicious eggs in the microwave. You beat eggs & cream cheese together. I usually do this in a coffee mug but you can use anything. You can add to the creamcheese-egg base some chopped chives + goat cheese, or mozzarella + salsa, or curry powder + garlic, whatever you want for flavor. Then you microwave it for about a minute. The egg-cream cheese mixture puffs up like a big muffin. If you do it right, it should be still a little wet inside (it’s tastier this way). Some people make them with unsweetened cocoa powder, nutmeg, cinnamon + splenda and say they taste just like cake when made that way; I prefer the savory ones
The more cream cheese you use, the tastier they are. Plus I find I always lose weight faster on Atkins when I increase my fat intake at the same time I keep carbs low, and for some reason I can tolerate a high fat meal in *this* form better than a lot of others.
The only downside of this snack is that cleaning nuked eggs off a coffee cup is a pain. It can be easier if you grease the cup with butter first, but microwaved albumen sort of bakes onto coffee cups, I find.
Anyway, good luck with Atkins and with your neck, and your back, and your health in general.
The grate thing about this quick & easy snack is that
Missicat wrote on 04/15/08 at 2:13 pm :
I must stop reading you at work!!! Hard to choke back the laughter.
I want a Ped Egg! Yes, I too am up in the middle of the night watching bad TV.
I want to be that kid in the twilight zone episode and wish Billy Mays into the cornfield…Did his mother never teach him the concept of INDOOR VOICE?????
Brenda wrote on 04/15/08 at 2:16 pm :
The Ped Egg? Are you freaking serious? That part in the commercial where they show the person emptying the shavings into the trash can makes me die a thousand deaths. It’s like, confetti. Like snow. Like piles and piles of talcum powder. And it came from her feet. Insane. Also, when they show the person using it on the orange to show how “gentle” it is? The resulting sore on the orange peel looks like it motherfucking HURTS!
Trance wrote on 04/15/08 at 2:18 pm :
Victoria, I’ve tried the micro-eggs with the Splenda and cinnamon and I love them, and I’ve added the cream cheese afterward, but I’ve never tried it in the eggs. I will have to give that a shot! It’s great to hear from you, I hope you’re doing well!!
Missicat, I know, I don’t think he has an indoor voice. ARGH
Trance wrote on 04/15/08 at 2:19 pm :
Brenda, it DOES HURT. LOL
Missicat wrote on 04/15/08 at 3:01 pm :
Or…horror of horrors…that IS his indoor voice???
I agree, they could have skipped the part in that commercial showing bits o’ feet being thrown away. *shudder*
Carol Elaine wrote on 04/15/08 at 3:12 pm :
Note to self: do not read Trancejen right after eating lunch.* Bits o’ feet? Billy Mays?
Gah!
karla wrote on 04/15/08 at 4:09 pm :
I am dying dying dying to order leg magic. I know that crap doesn’t work, but my thighs get a little twitchy everytime I see that informecial. Also my 11 year old is jonesing for the pancake puff maker and went so far as to list all the cool things we could do with it.He almost got me. Almost.
Cruel Irony wrote on 04/15/08 at 5:28 pm :
Billy Mays? Good grief. He makes me want to stab my ears. Was he born talking that way or did he purposely develop that sream-talk?
Bozoette Mary wrote on 04/15/08 at 7:06 pm :
Joe and I are FASCINATED and yet REPELLED by those pads you stick on your feet which draw all the horrible toxins out of your body as you sleep! You put ‘em on and they’re white as snow; you take ‘em off and they grimy and black. Hmm. Maybe we just need to wash our feet before bed.
lilacorchid wrote on 04/16/08 at 9:09 am :
Oh god, now I’ve got the thought of feet shavings in my head. *shudder*
Jas wrote on 04/16/08 at 10:16 am :
Infomercials sucked me into buying Proactiv and then some totally ineffective workout device (of course). Also, I’ve bought that stupid leg wax that isn’t really wax - can’t think of the name right now. It was organic and edible, I remember that. And I’m with Brenda on the absolute horror that is the scene of the woman emptying the Ped Egg. TOO. FREAKING. GROSS.
melissa wrote on 04/16/08 at 11:17 am :
I would buy a clue off TV….Seen any infomercials for those lately?
Erika wrote on 04/16/08 at 3:01 pm :
I just succumbed to Sheer Cover as I laid in bed Sunday. I haven’t received it yet, but 75% of the reviews I have read are not encouraging.
Moxie wrote on 04/17/08 at 10:36 am :
Okay. The information that I’m about to reveal indicates NOTHING about my TV viewing habits.
First off: The Sleep Number Bed aka: The Best Goddamn Night Of Sleep I Have Ever Had. My BFF has one in her guest bedroom after she and her hubby had been sleeping on it for a year and upgraded to a newer version of it. She has severe back problems and raved about it. I now make it a point to invite myself over and sleep on that damn bed any chance I have.
2. The Temperpedic mattress: BLAH. Although a very very comfy mattress( think giant marshmallow) is it essentially made of rubber and does not breathe and you will sweat worse then 8 bitches in a bitch boat ALL NIGHT LONG.And then,THEN!you will wake up and your hair will smell like sweaty plastic all day.
3. Jas, that stuff was called Nads and after application I said “suck my nads”.
4. That Ped-egg commercial looks like she just shaved coconut off her feet. And those foot pads? I’m gonna slap on some Always w/wings on each foot and see what happens tonight.
5. Billy Mays is probably a hairy-backed Yeti.
Trance wrote on 04/17/08 at 10:58 am :
Moxie: “worse than eight bitches in a bitch boat” - LOVE.
Trance wrote on 04/17/08 at 10:59 am :
I have never seen this foot-toxin sucking thing. Apparently I am not watching ENOUGH bad TV.
Christine wrote on 04/17/08 at 11:23 am :
The foot toxin thing is hilarious. It’s so hilariously bogus.
http://www.sciencepunk.com/v5/2008/02/champneys-detox-pad-dissection/
Crystal/CAMS wrote on 04/17/08 at 12:33 pm :
I am a horrible person. I succumbed on Sunday also, having ordered the Malibu Pilates Chair (which will cost about $350 dollars after I am done paying for it). The reviews I found online weren’t all bad, but the company probably posted their own good reviews. I’m sure I’ll try it, decide it’s too difficult and let it sit in a corner instead of returning it before the 30 day trial offer is up (”No Questions Asked!”) because it weighs sixty pounds and I’m too damn lazy to box it up, load it in the car, drive to the post office, unload it from the car, PAY to send it back….. you get my drift. *SIGH*
Glad to see you’re writing again!!! I missed you!
Missicat wrote on 04/17/08 at 1:55 pm :
You have to see the foot toxin commercial…if you thought the ped egg was bad, this will make you twitch all over.
I have GOT to stop letting the cat wake me up at 2am….
Lola wrote on 04/18/08 at 9:43 am :
Billy may be a hairy-backed Yeti, but that Oxi-clean stuff has often been a laundry stain removing miracle worker in my house. Ditto with Kaboom where my bathroom is concerned.
The Ped-egg looks like a torture device, akin to the Epilady. I vaguely remember you screaming in pain while epiladying your legs back in HS. Whatever happened to that contraption?
Oh, and run from the Tempurpedic bed!!! my MIL succumbed to the commercial a few years back, and within a matter of months it was relegated to the basement guest room. I’ve slept on that thing a few times now and understand why she didn’t like it, once you sink into that “bed” it’s impossible to escape from it’s concrete-like clutches. I now sleep on the couch when we spend the night and leave the Tempurtorture bed to my husband (he doesn’t care, he can sleep pretty much anywhere.)
Hope you are well.
LA wrote on 04/18/08 at 12:17 pm :
I want the Topsy-Turvy thing to grow upside-down tomato plants! Big dangly tomatoes hanging right outside my back door! Plus you get a slicing guide to make your dangly tomato slices come out exactly even, which is a Very Good Thing. ~LA
Jennifer wrote on 04/19/08 at 3:56 am :
I cuddle a dream that someone (for the right price) will bring me waffles, buttery waffles, with just a smidge of syrup, without waking me up, yet they will still be warm. I am also attracted to the dangly tomato trapeze mentioned above.
Anoony wrote on 04/19/08 at 3:11 pm :
I like the look of those latin ballroom exercise dvds wherein you lose a bunch of weight just from wriggling back and forth.
BS wrote on 04/21/08 at 7:17 am :
Someone sent me this link in an email, or I never would have heard of it…or believed it exists: “The Hawaii Chair”. I must have totally missed Ellen that day!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHiqVygN-w0
Then again, maybe this is not so outrageous. Remember the ab exerciser that involved strapping electrodes to your tummy and sending electric shocks to make your muscles twitch?
whyme63 wrote on 04/28/08 at 1:53 pm :
I can totally see them using that ped-egg thing on an orange–when I looked at one of those in Walgreens the other day, the surface looked just exACTly like my Microplane grater/zester. And Microplane, does, in fact, make a similar product for callouses.
Also, sign me up for the upside-down tomatoes! And kinoki foot pads, too, since they MUST work–because people are like trees!
bamzu com wrote on 07/7/08 at 3:02 am :
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biensoul wrote on 07/8/08 at 6:59 pm :
I bought the PedEgg at my local CVS and was ALSO not disappointed. Taking a little time to send some love your way!
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