My Body, It Is Tired.
June 11th, 2008 by trancejen
As if I were not working out enough, I am now undergoing physical therapy three times a week for my back and neck.
Yesterday I went for the evaluation, which was quite the interesting experience. I was first plunked down in front of a computer and told to fill out a questionnaire.
Please rate your pain on a scale of one to ten. Forty.
Please describe the nature of your pain. There is an angry badger trapped inside of my spine HELP.
Do you have pain during intercourse? Yes, and I LOVE IT.
Describe your pain during intercourse. (seriously, I’m not shitting you, they asked me this.) Um, no.
Can you take care of your basic needs (showering, bathing, dressing)? Are you offering to scrub my back?
When is your pain the worst? When I think about how much I am paying for pain medications, physical therapy, MRIs, etc.
Are you experiencing pain right now? Yes. Now let’s stop this test crap and get busy with the Swedish massages.
A Swedish massage I was not to receive, however. Instead I was led into a little room with a little massage table (terribly misleading) and asked to contort my poor aching spine into all sorts of uncomfortable positions in order for the therapist to determine how well I could move. As it happened I could not move very well. I can kickbox you into next week, but I cannot turn my neck so you had better damned well be in front of me while I’m doing it.
I was also tested top to toe for muscle strength.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Oh, what a poor showing! Oh, was I embarrassed! After all, I am a kickboxer, right? I am tough! I can whup ass!
I have arms of Jello.
The therapist had me lie down on the bed on my stomach with my arms out at my sides and raised as if I were about to take flight.
“Don’t let me push your arms down,” she said.
Simple, right? Hold up your fucking arms.
My arms fell like they were filled with lead weights.
“Try it again.” she encouraged with a big smile. “Don’t let me push them down.”
I grunted and strained so hard that I thought I would lose control of my faculties right there on the table. Still, no dice. My arms simply would not cooperate, and I was floored. I felt I should apologize for my wimpy guns.
“I’m really not this weak,” I lied. “Maybe it’s the pain medication.”
She nodded solemnly.
Riiiight.
I couldn’t even pass the finger test. Try this, please. Hold your hands out with your fingers splayed apart. Now have someone try to push your fingers together while you try to keep them spread apart.
I could not do this no matter how hard I tried, and it made me madder than anything has in months. My pride, my ego, my hubris, all down the shitter due to a stupid finger test. I used to win at “Mercy”! My hands are not weak! These hands have worked hard!! I am strong, I am invincible, I am WOMAN!!
Stupid motherfucking finger test.
After that the therapist led me and my wounded spirit through several exercises I am going to have to do at home every day. She also informed me that due to my tall girl’s habit of slouching all the time and my blind girl’s trait of slumping over the computer screen, I have the beginning of a “dowager’s hump”.
A DOWAGER’S HUMP???
Jesus, lady, you’ve already killed my pride, now you’re telling me I’m becoming Quasi-fucking-modo, why not just kick me in the tits and call it a day??
Needless to say I left physical therapy in a rather black mood.
Three times a week, I shall go.
I cannot wait.
Happy Wednesday.
Wyatt wrote on 06/11/08 at 12:06 pm :
Ouch! I feel your pain. Be careful of the hump…
trancejen wrote on 06/11/08 at 12:08 pm :
Thankfully at this point, the hump[ is correctable!!!
LA wrote on 06/11/08 at 1:01 pm :
To quote Igor, “‘What hump?’”
Seriously, PT sucks rocks, unfortunately it also usually helps therefore must be done. When rebuilding my bionic knee I amazed my therapist by swearing in a different language every week. At least something was amusing about PT. Eventually my knee was fine and I could say, “Fuck this noise!” in 50+ interesting ways. Good luck with your PT, sweetie. ~LA
Missicat wrote on 06/11/08 at 3:00 pm :
LA - you stole my line! *sob* That’s EYE-gor..
Seriously, can’t they come up with a better name?? Who the heck under the age of 300 uses the word “dowager”????
carl wrote on 06/12/08 at 8:52 am :
Honestly, I do feel bad for all the troubles your having, but fricken jumpin jezus you make me laugh!!!
Take care,
Mo wrote on 06/12/08 at 9:51 am :
Wow…I am glad that your hump is still correctable, lol. But, perhaps all the testing will lead you closer to knowing exactly what the nature of your illness, yet to be identified is? We can only hope! Good luck to you!
For-Tart wrote on 06/12/08 at 11:00 am :
I’ve always held a special feeling for the word “HUMP”.
sooboo wrote on 06/12/08 at 3:15 pm :
God, you made me laugh, and I’m in a shitty mood today. Physical therapy ain’t for the weak! Fortunately, you have much internal fortitude.
Cruel Irony wrote on 06/13/08 at 10:29 am :
Nothing would make me sitting up straight faster than being told I was developing a dowager’s hump. ACK!
Kungfukitten wrote on 06/14/08 at 4:49 am :
Don’t let this get you down, sister. Keep up with your kickboxing and the rest of your muscles will follow. Push ups will get rid of that hump and if you do knuckle push ups, you’ll contort your fist into perfect punching position (hitting with the first two knuckles).